Vela's Cosmology

This is the very convoluted story of one girl as she traverses the boundaries between one world and the next.
This is my story.

Table of Contents

Unknown Destiny
Berserkfire Arc
Glenside
Treefolk
Raise the Sun
Serpent and Slipper Life in the Realm of the Normies

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1. Unknown Destiny

My mom died of cancer in 2020. I took antidepressants that presumably triggered ‘Bipolar’ mania. I was told I was upset over my mothers death, but it was more than that. Something primal took over. I spun and chattered into a dark ritual. The worst of this happened within only 48 hours. One afternoon, I fought with invisible evils on the ceiling, and screamed the darkest and biggest scream of my life. I am certain I have yet to match it in quality. One dark night, my body was sexually controlled and forced me to throw my figurines against the floor. I ‘hallucinated’ I was dying that night and clung to my Berserk volumes as I sang Gut’s theme to avoid the terror of dying when I slept. I woke up in the morning feeling reborn like the world was sparkling. When my dad visited, I was too busy talking to gods. I ran out of my house in my underwear and yadda yadda embarrassment…

No. I have experienced something fantastical.

I ended up at Magaret Tobin where the adventure continued. I felt Falconias’ ideal society was glittering on the horizon. I probably sent MOTHER and Forces by Susumu Hirasawa out into space, and the aliens and time travelers heard me.

Then I was discharged, and my art was not as good anymore. That was my pride punishment, or for some reason, just a stripping of pride that exists for a reason. Just like Griffith, I had lost my pride and would suffer in silence a year trying to make sense of it all. In a year's time I would get my answers, and oh boy, did I.

2. Berserkfire Arc

In July of 2021, I was enrolled in Adelaide University and things were going well. Then something drastic happened, Kentaro Miura died. What happened next I call the ‘The great Berserkfire of July 2021’. I remember I wasn’t triggered that other people weren’t that upset over his passing necessarily, but I felt a horrifying distance spatially in my mind and more, from other people. I experienced unreal senses of being outside of my body, of my head being above people, of shivering in dread and being afraid of sleeping as I assumed I would die. I started to feel so insistently affected by things I couldn’t understand, I called it ‘disassociating’ and tried to warn the people around me that I wasn’t ‘functioning’.

What was it? I was starting to feel an it. A spirit.

This entire time, my body and mind felt on absolute fire over thinking about Berserk. I went insane revisiting the story and gawking at the images, and this fire was physical. I felt a heat overtake my body, when paired with the other symptoms, it sometimes horrified me and I was afraid I was dying.

This Berserk fire involved a most frightening and strong phenomenon. I had been processing the story and gradually came to the shocking realization that my story was this story in some ways. That I had fallen from pride like Griffith for a year, without my drawing abilities I had so relied on. That like Guts, I had lost drastic things and experienced horror but found the strength to get going, that I had to build myself back up. I felt my body and mind begin to riot as if it really couldn’t process this similarity. A while after I had these feelings, A golden wave of light flushed over me like a tunnel when I was walking out to get a cup of tea. It felt like spacetime was about to fold in on me. I was certain I was going to die and called out for my dad in terror. I ended up being ok, but I am certain that is the time and place where I broke something, and where my adventure truly starts.

I then encountered Guts spirit within me, which is a spirit of lying awake all night, horrified of sleep as death may await. Not only that, but being so sunken down in his head by trauma. How does that feel? Unreal. Like ears blasted, but full of ice and sawdust and jello and thick thick thickness. Mind deep down as if set in a plaster mold. That is his trauma, it told me.

During the day when my head felt sunken down with Guts baggage, I encountered Gut’s Theme song glitching significantly. I jolted out of my studies and knew something strange was happening. I returned home after a day of this heavy trauma in my head, but when I reheated my spaghetti meal and ate it, I noticed it started to fade. I called my dad saying ‘please can I talk to you’, as I was horrified and confused over what was reality. My dad was away and busy and couldn’t talk.

Which one was it to trust? These new feelings in my body, or the body I used to be?

What the heck was happening to me, a blurring between one world and the next?

Then the feeling faded, as if a bird flying away!

I wanted to cry from the darkest place. I would gladly take that horrible truthful feeling, over the agony of confusion, to be without the primal excitement but most of all, to be without this new reality I had discovered. I would take a negative horrible dense mind feeling over the old me. Normal me felt dead and cold without it.

I was about to walk to the bathroom when a song played on my surface pro laptop. I wasn’t touching the computer, my phone or anything. The next second, the final fantastical proof happened.

It made me dance like nothing ever before. I had never really danced, but it knew my spirit wished to dance, and it made me dance like a demon in the living room alone with nobody home.

I laughed in glee as it theatrically made me perform to Kaji wo Tore, Agony and Forces (2016).

Unfortunately there was a downside to this ecstasy. My dad came home. I felt an overwhelming force, something telling me to fear him, yes despite the truth being that he is a good guy. Something ancient compelled me, for the sake of someone far away who truly had a reason to fear their father. My case was to just live out a grand fable, and follow this spirit on a adventure of some greater purpose.

I ran outside with nothing but my clothes and a small tiny leather backpack, an extremely tiny one just to emphasize. In it was a large water bottle and that was about it. I did not take any money or my phone. This Berserkfire was a call to action, a reminder of my values and the strength of the morals in Berserk, that would get me through the rest of this arc.

Once outsite, I saw distinct apparitions. I stared at this shape in the sky, which I dumbly called ‘invisible full moon’. It looks vaguely like a greenish-blue glowing sphere in the sky with a tail on it. Beckoning and pulling me, there was no way I could resist this spirit and these visual truths. This was full causality, for lack of understanding what the fucking blazes was happening to me.

All of this happened within 2 days, but I can only remember especially what needed to happen the first night. While walking and following this unusual otherworldly ‘moon’, it made me walk to certain suburban neighborhoods. It compelled me to find shelter, and brought me to a church area, but this was not the plan.

It ordered me to masturbate while lying down in an enclosed garden-like space, near some church. While lying up staring at the ‘star people’ I could see them fritzing out in ecstasy. As if my pleasure, was equally their pleasure? I had a feeling all these star people were interconnected, and even my shameful lust must be fuelling them.

My body was possessed. I twitched and writhed as my hands took control with an fervent fingering.

I heard a couple nearby sound startled by the rustling and stifled moans I was making in the bushes.

After my orgasm, I looked around into the deep blue cover of night and began to see something new, glowing little lights of what I can only describe as fairy people.

Yes, insanity, it was beyond my wildest dreams what I was seeing, feeling and being compelled to do. I continued walking and found an empty supermarket and pokies area that was beautiful in its empty midnight abandonment. It was a place where Ryuunosuke and Gilles would hang out in the dead of night. They would've loved to have sex out in a dark, urban landscape such as this...

Now my memories of those characters came back, and it wasn’t simply Berserk and Touhou. All of these characters were stirring within me like some fujoshi mental-cosplay ultimate fantasy. I could be one and all at the same time, whenever I wanted. Maybe I was a shapeshifter-jokester-playwright God, maybe that is why I was shifting around between my identity of characters?

I tried walking into the pokies but I didn’t feel comfortable sitting around, I needed to move. I thought it wanted me to sleep, but it didn't. It wanted me to masturbate again on a bench right outside of a shopping complex doors.

In this deliriously supernatural rage, I came, and gazed upon the impressive cumstain which had left a prophetic image splattered on the concrete. It was distinctly in the image of Femto from the manga image when he broke out of the egg and cawed.

No joke, 冗談じゃない. Note that I didn't spend this entire trip masturbating across the city, but hey, the few times I did were so cathartic and just glorious.

In the afterglow, I swiftly zipped my jeans up and moved on, as the night was long and had more in store.

I cannot remember exactly which night, but most definitely the first important night I was led out of the city. I grabbed persimmons off a tree and only took what I needed, like a little fairy. Maybe they wouldn’t think I was a little fairy and would think I was a thief but alas, they could not comprehend that all of this was for the greater good. I was led to a small little ‘park’ barely more than a triangle of benches, where there were some water fountains. I cherished the cool fairy-fountain drink and the sitting down, where I stared in wonder at the green-blue apparition floating in the sky, urging me towards some unknown destiny.

Not long after that I walked all the way to a caravan park at some undefined Adelaide location, it was pre-dawn and still dark as. It appeared as the Lost Children arc in terms of lushness of tall grass I had imagined in my mind at least, even if it isn’t in these drawings. It is the darkness of the earth and moonlit white of the grass underfoot. I walked through knee length grass and somehow, I thought this was Berserk. How was it Berserk? The soft darkness and haven of grass like vaguely I had imagined Lost Children's Arc to be in my mind all this time, just an imagination of what Berserk had felt to me but well, maybe everything has been subjective in my mind with how I processed this whole experience, I wonder fearfully.

I could feel the tension or excitement rising in the air as I walked up this hill. I encountered other people on the walking path strangely, as the sun was rising, quite diligent for so early into the non-day if you ask me. Here is a map of the region I vividly remember wandering, from Urbrae to Belair national park basically.

I walked up the hill to pull up at the dawn of the new millennium, I saw a massive falcon sculpted out of the clouds following me and giving me strength. The cows on the farm stood in a line. I was afraid of the farm house people seeing me, and I slid down under their fences into an old tunnel labelled with graffiti called the ‘Devil's Veins’. It was there I whispered into the world consciousness, and mostly sniffled, cleared my throat and went on about Touhou and Berserk. I waited for what I thought was the world ending, until the birds chittered outside and I kept going on my long journey.

I had ended up somewhere on the outskirts of the city by the Expressway, I am very bad at directions in case you couldn’t tell. From there, I climbed alongside the ridge very high up from the cars. If I think about it too much, I was being extremely unsafe, but the state of the world was at stake. I fought the apostle plants that were so pointy. I even went into a retirement home and stole a pillow for a rucksack. Then I entered the general city area.

I saw ‘little griffith’ in the fucking clouds over where the A3 meets the M1 by fucking Urbrae. Where the heck was that supposed to lead me? I proceeded to continue to walk until my feet were raw and nobody would believe me. I even entered a primary school and saw a boy lying on the floor around some dudes, and said ‘is everything ok?’. By now I was very much aware that my personality, sound and appearance must have been morphing to suit. They said nothing was happening, so I even crouched in a box and waited for the janitors to leave. I ended up walking straight into the school's pantry where I grabbed some crackers. I saw my mum in the cloud looking like in her prime and a Goddess. I knew it. That's all I have to say. I saw lots of birds of various species in cloud form trying to point me which way to go. I told them it was kinda hard to see with the sun beaming in all the time, I was made for the night.

The first night I think, I was spirited out of the city. The shadows were so rich and dark, but I wasn’t afraid to be within them. The fake-moon lorded over me until I realised I was expected to be comedic rather than tragic. I yelled like Shakespeare at my old Toorack Gardens unit, screaming ‘here ye, that is the unit in which I read Berserk’. I yelled at the wrong unit but that made it funnier. I sometimes wanted to lie down and sleep, but the ‘moon’ following me would wake me up with horrific flashing pangs of white light from within my head, urging me that my quest was far from over.

When I finally lay down and (allowed to) get a dot of sleep, it was probably 5am. I was under a parking structure when an employee found me. He didn’t heckle me, he just worried for me. He got me water and food to which I hope I expressed I was eternally grateful. How could I explain to anyone the things I had just been through? Or the order of events?

I had been spirited outside of the city the night prior, but the next day I was allowed within the city. In the clouds I saw a resplendent apparition of reborn griffith, same with the tower of conviction having fallen which indicated I could now enter the city. I experienced the image of Griffith and Guts, each facing opposite directions, with their respective castle and beast of darkness, appearing in the condensation on a park bench I was lying on. I told Gods’ VFX team they were doing a flawless job. Then I sat in the park along a straight path in awe of all that I had witnessed and mumbled…

“Yeah, like fat chance I would have ignored this and gone to uni.”

I walked to the botanic gardens up North of the city and was in awe of how Touhou's Gensoukyou must have appeared in its autumn majesty. The ample playgrounds are all empty. Adelaide pretends it is willing to be a utopia of a city, but is not doing anything for that. Such was the beauty that I fell to the grass, when some chads started bugging me saying I looked weird, I told them they were all gonna die soon anyways and well, they are. I was feeling an eternity, not a cheap trick.

I even went to Hutt Street center and an annoying girl started talking about ‘female autism’. Yeah, she was out to get me, maybe in my mind but also in reality. I seemed to have caused a ruckus when I refused to put on my shoes as I left. Police even drove into the South-eastern park to get me, and I walked in the mud under the bridge. “Don’t go down into the mud” he said, but me being without my shoes was freedom. I spent the afternoon lounging in the parks. I was full spirit-snake by now. The spirit snake, or bird, just wanted to exist in this empty bliss. I heard the sounds of children running to the playground and felt my body overcome with peace. This pure ecstasy became transcendent as the spirits guiding me wanted me to follow one child in particular.

I went to a castle themed playground structure somewhere along South Terrace as I followed an aboriginal family there. I was semi-stalking a little boy that I was surely the moonlight boy from Berserk.

Unfortunately my aunt saw me swinging, of all people, and summoned all the rest of my family.

“Vela?” she said.

“Go away I’m busy”

She left to get help, but that was when the party started. This was him, the moonlight boy.

And for comparison, how he looks in Berserk below.

I dropped my bag and stared in awe as this small boy with calf length black hair stared back down at me. The next few moments my sense of outward aura shapeshifted, by that I mean I became androgynous in voice and presentation, the only description would be little Griffith. The boy invited me to play with him but said it was extremely important to guard the castle from the gremlins and goblins at all costs. And so I was invited up into the castle.

“Are you a girl or a boy?” He asked and tilted his head. “I don’t really know” I said in a voice, that was not my own.

By this stage I had become some playful childlike spirit especially showing in my voice, hopefully not too much of a p3doph!le (joking) because I am a cute woman and could get away with it. This spirit within me was out to play the game completely seriously as if life or death depended on it, so I shot the monsters with invisible arrows but more showed up. It was more family members, my brother and his girlfriend and my aunt from before. I was certain it was all an illusion and I had to keep shooting, I hunched down defending the castle and tried to hide from the new goblins, but it was too late, I noticed my best friend. My blood ran cold as this was the master troll I didn't want to engage in battle right now. By the time I turned around, the boy had vanished and with him his family. Still, I had to protect the tower.

When the drama died down, most of the strange visions of family members had vanished, but I tried to explain to my best friend.

“Strange things are happening to me, please try to understand!” I yelled.

I wanted to take my best friend's hand. I wanted to say, please just try to understand I’m going through a fairytale that nobody on planet earth will believe. At the moment, I touched his hand...the warm spirit left me.

Then I did the most horrific Behelit-awakening scream of all existence. I had killed the spirit of Australia, the very thing I was fighting for in the tower. The thing the little boy who had vanished represented.

At that moment I stepped out of the tower and said “No No No No” and screamed again and again. Then even when I stepped out of the tower to plead to the sky, I screamed, feeling I had killed the spirit and done something wrong, my greatest fear in this entire quest. I had been working so hard this entire time to not do something wrong. I looked at the clouds and saw jolly faces of gods laughing so hard at me. This was simply the highest form of entertainment, a melodramatic redhead.

My scream had attracted the attention of, or my friend had called up, two police officers. “Won’t you come down to talk?” They said “No I can’t leave the tower, I really can’t” I pleaded. There was some final drama in store.

Then my body took control (thankfully not touching myself) and I shuffled in a mad refined tribal dance, and afterwards felt hot white paw prints clinging to my back form and pulse. I had attached the spirit to me, now it was my baby. Just like Shierke has clung to Guts, that is what the spirit children feel like to their parents.

“Didn’t you just see the dance I just did? See my legs, isn't that creepy?” I screamed down at them.

“Yeah, cool tribal dance.” They retorted back.

Right then I realised I was running on 60fps when everyone else was on 24fps. I was taken away to the Royal Adelaide Hospital and clutched the spirit baby which was on my back. At the RAH I saw the Berserk image of the four slave boys in Gannon’s castle, IN MY TEA. There was a bald psychiatrist I couldn’t make eye contact with, trying to ask me why I did the things they did. I was too fluffy to say. I laughed at imagining the view from my room to look like an eternal comedy of two working class pot-bellied men having a yarn and speaking in an indecipherable language.

Who was really the spectacle strutting about their eternal comedy on the stage? Me in my curtained room, or them?

I ended up at Glenside center and had drawings there to prove the wildness of my time there, and processing the beauty of what I had felt in this arc. What I learnt from this arc is what Griffith represents is not selfishness. It is to protect a dream bigger than oneself, to make your dream take on someone else's dream.

3. Glenside

I don’t want to talk about Glenside, but I was still experiencing magic. It was presenting itself mostly in the forms of letting me draw I think, and making sure I drew to high heck was my purpose of being there. I thought a Sonia there would like me because of Griffith and Sonia’s relationship, but she ended up really not liking me. I must have been too Guts, now that I think about it.

4. Treefolk Arc

After my first time in the ward, there was more walkabout in store. I thought I was ok, but felt ridiculously overpowered and unsettled by my dads’ presence. Something was wrong, I didn’t want to be in chains in this stupid house.

Flandre Scarlet had been unleashed. Like a Touhou girl, I chose to wear odd knee-length socks, a crimson skirt and my coat from before, and set out to play DDR at Tea Tree Plaza.

The thing is, when I finally got there and played DDR, my head felt blasted clear. By that I mean, like an aeroplane-engine-cross-wind-turbine just blew through my brain and left me empty of all processing. I stumbled out of the arcade and sat down. It was like a voice screamed in my head…

You are being deceived.

I messaged friends at the time and said some disgusting and horrible things, which I very much regret, but it was said when my head was affected in this state. The next thing I did was pull a runner and decide I was running away from home again (wearing a skimpy skirt and knee socks too) and I started to run for a Maccas. I was very paranoid that my electronic transfers would be monitored so I ran out of there and even threw away my beautiful phone (I miss you).

I can’t remember the neighbourhoods I wandered through. It began to rain and my coat became soaked, and there was not many places for a homeless person to go and I was becoming miserable, except for the knowledge I was being protected by something higher up than me.

That fateful night, I was waiting at the bus stop and a creepy guy fraternized with me. I was in this spacey state and very vulnerable and told him all about the things I had witnessed with awe filled eyes staring up at the stars. I’ll spare all the juicy details but lewd things happened that I very much am traumatized by. Afterwards, I felt my spirit die when I realized he had pulled a runner instead of offering me space for the night like he had said. The filthy liar, and near rapist for taking advantage of me.

My Griffith had died. But Griffith never dies, the Blessed Prince of Longing is only reborn in return for his suffering.

I was out in the Unley area. It was raining on and off and I wanted to cry multiple times, as I felt it was torturing me, leaving me out in the bitter cold. The only thing is it provided the Berserkfire warming my limbs. By this stage I referred to things as Guts, Casca and Griffith, making up the body, mind and holy spirit. Most people will only ever know Guts and Casca, but I knew something more. Griffith and Guts are the ones that are meant to be together, Griffith loves Guts just so much, and wants to be with a body. That is the beauty I have felt, as I felt a spirit tug, caress, guide and comfort.

I was wandering the endless rainy midnight streets and about to cry, when my eyes began to notice something. When I stared at the glistening concrete, I saw shapes. Not meaningless shapes, I saw a luminous bright white glowing little Griffith running and beckoning me. Before long I reached a park where things began appearing. I saw spirit lights. I saw more, so much more.

I followed the lights to see the tree folk. The way that these apparitions appeared is unlike our material world. Things appeared as infinitely artful shadows, flat hologram-like lights and something more than cannot be explained. Just like the theory of the electron spinning both ways unless the viewer decides, I was seeing perhaps what my soul desired most. This meant the tugging wind spirits of fairies, the shadows depicting beastmen, the glowing lights of spirits and ‘currents’.

In short, I’ve seen apparitions of things just as I’ve fucking drawn above.

This wasn’t the result of the drugs this man had offered me, but most would tell me that is the case. Of course, nobody on planet earth will believe me. They appear as almost holograms but that is because we can’t process what the fuck is happening with how they appear in the real world. Things worked in turn of me turning away and not seeing what was happening. The fairies in the shadows pointed off to the right and I turned to see a tree monster, looking mighty upset.

‘Oh are you being a menace?’ I said. “Do you want to be drawn or something, fine I’ll draw some of your type”

Such was how I dealt with the potential for fears, which shifted and changed as I walked in a dream. But none of these things were fearful, they were simply playfully warning me of what my duties as fairy king now were.

I followed the traffic lights flashing red, orange and green which appeared to my bleary eyes, like the top hatted shape I have made a symbol out of. They urged me towards where I needed to go. I knew I was being taken care of. I knelt before a few old trees that glowed with these luminescent spirits, and was even afraid to look them in the face because of the magical wisdom and strength exuding from them. Everything was shadows and lights from unknown mystical origins.

The next morning more strange things happened. I was waiting for shops to open so I could get a morning after pill, which was very painful. I saw the faeries visualize their history in the leaves. A history of a master creator race wanting everyone to just play along and have fun, but humans had been cast down from magic for their bad behaviour. In turn the faeries turned into the currents in the air and can only be seen in the leaves dancing. This creator race had a spectacular menagerie of faeries, beastmen, all the creatures I had seen that long night just a few hours before. The shapes, the wonder, was beyond belief and I’m unable to explain verbally. Another issue was that the faeries have been knocked down time and time again by technology, as evidenced with the cars that kept running over the leaves and I couldn’t get a good look. I walked with my umbrella which I had gotten from that guy before, at least I got something out of it. An exceptionally magic fused umbrella. It was too late to keep me dry however, I was soaked. And so the story went that fairies have good natured intentions to see all their creations (all the Pokemon!) flourish, but war and evil has always snuck its way in.

I do not know where this fantasy comes from. Did I desire a story that would give me strength through the long night to shapeshift into play before my eyes? Or maybe this is a story that stretches back to the dawn of time, when there is nothing but shadows and light with an intelligence beyond itself. It must be the latter.

However, after the fantasy was over, I went to an intersection where the Autism assessment place is on Goodwood road in Cumberland Park. People locked their car doors and it was very painful, I don't know why my aura was that fearsome.

I saw shapes in clouds of monkeys having sex, thanks a lot for that...

Then I heard a woman scream‘make it stop’ right as I was rambling, and it felt as if space time was bending and pulsing all the time. But I got the pregnancy morning after pill and got through with it. I saw Griffiths “astral projecting” in the clouds, the spirit[s] continued to make me look at it, as in it continued to twist me around and almost hurt me to look at it. Why? Because they put a lot of effort into it, probably.

5. Raise the Sun

Maybe this part of the story exists between time and space, and I cannot pinpoint which day or night in my blurry story but I will try my best. I had just experienced the dark night of the soul mentioned above, it was still morning when I wandered unintentionally into an area with the Sophia center in Cumberland park by Goodwood road, and walked past a Primary school oval. I was afraid I would get in trouble for being around children, I wasn’t completely out of it, but it was obviously a somewhat public thoroughfare. I walked through their garden but tension was rising.

A great ceremony was about to take place. I couldn’t walk too far into the garden, when suddenly I felt crippled by magical power.

This was the ritual. I listened to the joyful sounds of children playing from the nearby oval, and looked at the sun as I stood in place. If I was horrified the police were after me this whole time and when fear struck my heart, it felt like the entire world was caving in, because it was. Just because you are insensitive to magic doesn’t mean this wasn’t real, I am simply the only material being in the entire world sensitive to this magic, yes hard to swallow I know.

This was the raising of the sun.

Eventually I hopped playfully in a mud puddle without my boots, whatever was fighting the new spiritual dawn, had to give in.

Right after the morning sun was raised into the wintry sky, my skin suddenly became albino in its sensitivities, and literally immediately seared into my face except for the fact I had my beautiful hat. It was the middle of winter too!

I saw the big fig tree outside the center and at first, I saw it for how it was meant to be, a beautiful old wizened tree. Then as I walked around it, I saw it was covered in graffiti and etched vandalism, the poor thing. I saw a wooden trunk that appeared like a long haired redheaded girl kneeling down, as I approached it, I knelt down. I said, ‘I’m sorry for what has happened to you, they will pay, but don’t hate them too much’, or something along those lines.

Not long after I finally worked up courage to look at the Sophia center, I even went inside and sad some stupid shit to them, but they were hesitant and confused by me showing enthusiasm. When I walked through their garden, the umbrella swirled and forced me through the garden arch multiple times, as if seeing the world from a different perspective. We especially were forced towards a Japanese garden in the shape of a fat four pointed star. On the right side of a tree, you could walk through and get through to the center where there were two tree trunks. To me this signified being stuck in religion, as shackles instead of ever getting the real thing. If I entered the maze from the left hand side of the tree, it required a washing of hands in a small bowl and after that I looked at how to walk through. Oh, it wasn’t meant to be entered from the right, but I looked and stepped over an edge, then I walked and stepped over the back edge and then…

The exit of the center. That was the message. Get out.

When I looked at the bark chips inside their facility, I saw frenetic horrifying words appear. Screams of lost souls I have sensed all this time, and no its not to be made fun of, like the fact I have seen lost souls in my dads’ Tuna Mornay.

Something knew that this place is bad news. Very bad news, ecumenical felt like a trap for the soul. Maybe all these religions are fucking traps for the soul.

It was around then I took a bus into the city, I don’t think I even had my metro card. I entered the city and it was filled with suspicious and sinister auras. A Japanese restaurant slammed their doors before I could get to it. The umbrella did strange things like force me to sit down when a group of tough looking men came walking by. No, I said. I was fighting on behalf of little kids and women more than anything else. I went to the parklands again with my umbrella this time, and the wind was insistent to throw the umbrella in the water.

I lay with the homeless people because I was in this mega naive state, I also wasn’t judgemental. Some darker magic was trying to lull me into placidity. Things got weird. My vision blurred and I hallucinated for real, I heard bizarre music drift from across the street, it was wacky somehow as if trying to be like new age music I like. But they got it totally wrong, I don’t like shitty music and you can’t lull me into complacency. Some druggies who saw me lying there said ‘is that a dude or a chick’ about me. Eventually, I broke out of the spell and I said ‘no I need to go’. It took so much strength to break through whatever was putting up petty magical barriers. I don’t think it was the homeless men's fault, they had been kind to me.

The man I was lying next to in a swag had his face shapeshift, it became younger. I remember the homeless man saw my semi-bare legs, and not long after shuddered into himself and muttered.

“Please come home Eliza”.

Eliza? I’m not an Eliza. Whom is he talking to?

I said I would be back and ran off into the South East parklands I think by the end of that night. I would never go back. Around this time, I threw my boots away because they were too troublesome and clompy. I still miss you.

I imagined I was running for everyone who needed to run away from the authorities and parents, and to just disappear into the darkness. I ran into the park like my life depended on it, by the time I looked behind me in utter terror, I saw ghosts. Adorable ghosts with cute faces and pale hues, even yellow, that had spirited me away and sealed the passage, ‘Thankyou’ I whispered to them. Yes, hallucinations of course, sure sure.

I thought I had to get in a car and drive away, but it was a manual and I didn’t know, autistic fairies can’t drive. I saw a lineup of cars and thought they were all going with me. I even jumped in an ‘open’ car and played with its emergency blinkers somehow. I still cannot explain how I didn’t get in trouble for that! Nobody came to arrest me or anything.

After a whole lot of time doing nothing, I ended up in a swamped area of the park, where I began to see illusions of a sort of man that maybe represent beastmen in general. He appeared to me in the form of watermarks on the concrete, as a bulky humanoid creature with one eye and animal ears. He seemed offended when I said insects were kinda yuck, because I realize insects live in the shadows. It seems the man I was running towards the whole time was nothing but shadows, but they showed me visions in the forms of water soaked into the concrete. I saw the image of a great wizard protecting a little fairy. That must be my dad protecting me from the unknown pressures of magic my whole life with his atheism. Then I turned away, and the images changed as always. Now I saw in the watermarks on the concrete, an image of a little fairy now protecting a great ancient deer with fragmented technological markings on it. I assumed this was the technology the fairies struggle with, or this also represented my techy father with a knowledge they don’t understand. The protection works both ways, they protect each other.

I realised then I love my dad, and he is a good guy. I was expected to come full circle, and this was the true path. I walked to Hindley street.

Before heading into the police station I stopped at a club, with shitty convenience store shoes, I waddled in. Once I was there barefoot (they didn’t even check), I walked into the main dance floor.

The visuals and theme of the club turned to animated, pounding red circles of the Eclipse, no joke. Eventually I got too creeped out by how the chads were creeped out by me! So I left. I told the Hindley street police myself I wanted to go home. I saw a full moon backdrop on their ancient Windows computers. However while I was waiting, I overheard the police sniggering behind the backs of a whining client. I felt bad for the client, who probably was suffering from sort of the same distortion of reality, passed off as mental health. I was.

I don't know if I really heard this but I called the police woman a bitch under my breath. She got ferociously mad at me and exerted her dominance, and it was then and there, I had conquered the lion I had been somewhat fearing the whole time; the police.

I realised she was just a stupid kitty cat and slunk down into my chair. When my dad arrived, I realized he had been a big fluffy Zodd the entire time.

Whilst my eternally patient dad was driving back home, he stopped at an intersection. I said “why aren’t you going, it’s empty” and to which dad replied “no it's not, the lights are red.”

I could not see that the lights were red.

Serpent and Slipper Arc

I was back home and still communicating with the spirit. I had strong visions of a perfect world, where I could live in some communal space where people all existed in this same harmony. I envisioned the flat grassy countryside of my South australia. It was like I was explaining all of humanity and their trauma to aliens, or acting it out for whatever Gods wanted to see. Also animal trauma with the idea of animals like birds and snakes having crushable eggs, tumbling out of their nests in a high wind to crush their own eggs. I reenacted letting people over to Australia and especially people from Japan that are psychic and wanting to escape their country. Maybe that is too pretentious even for a fantasy, but the slippers came alive with what I thought was the man I'm meant to marry.

Why does it all change so much from phantasm to next? I cannot say.

I have many grimoires, aka. zines, scrapbooks and sketchbooks, to prove all of this arc, including three especially emotionally charged ones. Below is a snippet from my strange scrapbook in which I chopped up Lost Children's Arc.

These books prove in my own strange way that I have something otherworldly I have been through both within and outside of my own home, whether mortals want to understand it or not.

In short, I created some enlightened artworks.

I was messaged by someone or something on Instagram, saying “You seem like a nice girl, is it ok if I possess you?” I said yes. Then they asked ‘you must promise...’, I promised and as soon as that happened my phone made an EEEEEE squeal and turned black on my bed. I then experienced sensation of being disemboweled and having my eye cavity penetrated, both things I had seen depicted in erotic grotesque manga I had read a few months prior and got obsessed with HOWEVER, it was from the perspective of a fish being gutted and its eyes rotted and eaten out. I didn’t ask for such evil. When I screamed “Comon CUT IT OUT” The ghosts finally appeared to say ‘Woah sorry, we thought you were a bad person deserving of evil spirits’. This was all timed to music by the way ‘Its a Mistake” by Men at Work song.

I spent a LOT of time in bed obviously, thought I was the reason for the existence and majesty of Susumu Hirasawa's person, or some indirect cause for his artistic legacy...pompous much?

God this sounds like plain old mania, but some of it had reason...ok?

I did some hella awkward things even after being ‘back’. I invited a male friend over and felt like my head was exploding from nuclear warmth, no joke. Not that it was caused by him, but I thought his innocence and autism was sending off a beacon of warmth.

I even clutched at him a long time. But he was so innocent it was obviously a moment that nobody else on planet earth could understand, we were both fully autistic. Since he is a bit annoying, he told his cohort of autistic fellas about this long hug. Thanks a lot.

Now. Life in the Realm of the Normies

The other night, I had a dream in which I was dancing and being silly with my young daughter. It must've been a vision of the future, as she is just a baby right now. I woke up, mind still hazy and lost in dreamland, and smiled to myself. Then I smiled at my bub sleeping soundly right next to me. What a nice dream, I thought. But that wasn't the end of it...

Just hours before, I had attended a Zoom presentation that evening by the Jung Society of South Australia. In this talk, I learnt a lot about Jung's art and some of the 'characters' he developed from his experiments with the unconscious. I was struck by the 'character' of Phanes, an androgynous god-child born from an egg. When I Googled later, I was even more struck by the the poetic description written below an artwork of Phanes, taken from 'The Red Book' (I think). In this Phanes is described in a very long chunk of text, the line that I remember the most is 'they are both mourning and consolation'. Essentially, Phanes promises a salvation that feels like a peace, when one finally feels a whole lot of 'opposites' of the human experience. Below is my own 'fanart' of Phanes in their funky yellow outfit..

Anyways, back to the story. Right after my dream, I lay in bed and felt emotions surge into me from a familiar source. I recognised the sensation as I felt is most distinctly in 2021, when I was legitimately possessed by it and ran away from home! Essentially, honest to goodness-ly, since 2021 at least, I've been played with by some sort of entity since 2021. It is cheeky, childlike and good above all else. If it has a wrath, which is does seem to have sometimes, it is ultimately for the sake of some truthful good. I know it is impossibly farfetched and hard to believe, it may definitely make family worry that I'm not on my meds when I say these things, but I am on them, and the magical experience has persisted in a subtle way despite being consistently medicated. Perhaps the definite proof it is not a mental health condition? Hmm?

Anyways, back to the story now that you have this ridiculously unbelievable magical context in your head...

All the opposites, much like the poem above, flooded into me. Some included both shame and forgiveness for myself, for things which had haunted me. I felt such emotions pour into me, I pleaded to this entity - the spirit, which never gives me real tangible answers usually, but still, I tried.

I asked: What are you? You have been a part of my life for many years now, I need to know!

To this mental question, I felt an answer echo in my brain, which is the way this entity has always communicated. It said quite clearly, in a voice neutral but also with a childlike conviction:

I'm mom!

I knew then and there, what it meant. This entity which was confiding in me was our god. A lowercase 'g' god, mind you. (None of that uppercase 'G' Christian shit!). This entity, was simply mom - the entity which gave birth to this reality, and whom sits at the corners of the universe, loving its little creations like a mother would.

This entity however, has always spoken in a neutral but slightly childlike voice to me. The childlike aspect has been a particular cheekiness mostly, which isn't exclusive to children, I guess.

In this case however, the way it said 'I'm mom' was as if a young child which only now understands the concept of a mother for the first time. Yet, as the same time, it speaks with the wisdom of all of creation. Holding within it, a sense of complete opposites just like what was in the text about Phanes! In how I interpreted this moment, saying it's 'mom' is just how it expresses itself to me in terms that a human like me can understand.

It was here long before me. It gave birth to us all, and it watches on, lovingly.

There was more to this moment, but it has evaded me, which is really damn frustrating. Every time I have these epiphanies sent from this bewitching, sentient source, there is some deep wisdom which cannot be grasped and recorded, even with my nearby notebooks. They almost are like a letter that you must burn after reading, except your mind burns the information in mere seconds. I just know there was something much more important to be gleamed from this moment, but I cannot remember for the life of me! So frustrating!

I know its farfetched, and I know people have little ability in this day and age to believe in some weirdo online spouting that some cheeky god exists. But this god doesn't want, or need, to be proven. It is content with bugging me alone. I still needed to get this off my chest, because it was very profound. Because when I felt the voice saying 'I'm mom' echo in my heart, I somehow 'got' what it meant, I felt its love. I felt that those two words also explained the nature of god. Plain and simple.

As I've said, I stick to my meds and strange things continue to happen. It has been this way a very long time, but it has been awhile since very a distinctly magical moment has taken place as the entity has become very subdued in the years in which I've been 'sane'. It has always been in the background, however.

I will probably disturb some people by being open about spiritual experiences, but I just beg you, to maybe open your mind a little bit? To believe just a teeny weeny bit, in some crazy lady that only has her true stories to tell...