Vela Noble https://velanoble.com illustration + animation Sun, 31 May 2020 00:19:16 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.4.1 https://i1.wp.com/velanoble.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/cropped-vela_avatarbest_shorthair-1.png?fit=32%2C32&ssl=1 Vela Noble https://velanoble.com 32 32 76517911 guess who got some fidget toys https://velanoble.com/2020/05/8011/ https://velanoble.com/2020/05/8011/#respond Mon, 25 May 2020 01:35:00 +0000 https://velanoble.com/?p=8011

Just the usual mish-mash blog post where I dump some art and talk about life things. I animated Ryuunosuke Uryuu and Gilles de Rais (Caster) from Fate/Zero again. I was in process of rambling about them in a blog post, but am putting that aside to ramble about more recent things time… I got some […]

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Just the usual mish-mash blog post where I dump some art and talk about life things. I animated Ryuunosuke Uryuu and Gilles de Rais (Caster) from Fate/Zero again. I was in process of rambling about them in a blog post, but am putting that aside to ramble about more recent things time…

I got some autism friendly toys!!

It’s too irresistible to buy a lot with online shopping, but I urgently needed to get some stimming toys in my life the second I saw videos showing autistic toys existed. I impulse bought a few toys, some of these are recommended for children in general but the ones I got are pretty specific to autistic needs. For starters I got 4 chewy toys on necklaces.To explain why, they are a nice zero-calorie alternative to the sensory appeal of burning through packs of gum. I used to chew multiple pieces of gum at once and long after the flavor ran out and it became a grey unpalatable lump. That’s what calms me! I realized the only reason I grab at snack foods at parties is because I’m agitated out of my mind by the mere idea of having to break into conversation. I always confused myself how I won’t stop chomping down gummies if they are readily accessible.

These necklaces are already super satisfying my need to chew to get tension out of my jaw. Obviously I’m the type of autistic that craves deep pressure. I had to get a plastic plate to prevent me from grinding teeth at night, the dentist had said it was due to ‘stress’. I am assuming the only reason I was grinding while sleeping is because I wasn’t getting in enough deep pressure while conscious and was repressing autism my entire adult life up until now!! Alas, if dentists knew jack-sh*t about autism…wait, let me rephrase that…if anyone I’ve ever interacted with even knew jack-diddly-dang-about-autism, I maybe I would have had some leads towards pursuing a diagnosis way earlier on. Anyways, these chewies are fairly big and my molars are the ones that crave to bite down on things. I look like a bulldog trying to get my jaw around these things. Who says grown women aren’t allow to feel like a dog with a chew toy? Who has any right to determine what is permissible when there are people out there doing much more violent and atrocious actions that harm fellow humans? I chew on non-toxic plastic to get rid of nervous energy and focus better. Bite me.

I got the toys in the second picture from another Aussie site called Sensory Tools. Out of all of them the Tangle Jr. is the most insanely satisfying, I like how it wraps around my wrist like a bracelet. I want to keep an emergency pack of one of each of these toys in my backpack in order to prevent getting stressed when I’m out and about. I’m still trying to finish off the dragon sculpture on the right, which has been yet another project I started a month ago. That’s all I have to say for now, I just want to blog about art and little things that are helping me survive day by day.

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50 First Reasons Why I’m Autistic https://velanoble.com/2020/05/7893/ https://velanoble.com/2020/05/7893/#comments Mon, 11 May 2020 12:41:00 +0000 https://velanoble.com/?p=7893

It’s hard to express the traits that compose ASD without a very large list, yet most sites resort to 5 or so clinical bullet points. It is not one or two things like ‘shyness’ or ‘rambles a lot’. It isn’t just 10, 20 or 50 experiences, but every moment of someones life. My agonizing and […]

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It’s hard to express the traits that compose ASD without a very large list, yet most sites resort to 5 or so clinical bullet points. It is not one or two things like ‘shyness’ or ‘rambles a lot’. It isn’t just 10, 20 or 50 experiences, but every moment of someones life. My agonizing and intense experience navigating through adulthood is NOT THE SAME as most people who aren’t on the Autism Spectrum. I need to get sh*t off my chest and typing is the easiest way I can do it, so here are my 50 first reasons I’m autistic right off the top of my head….

  1. The fact I said ‘lovid cockdown’ the other day.
  2. Can’t give a fake compliment to save my life. If you don’t do stellar work, I wont say it.
  3. Went to speech therapy at a young age. Still can’t enunciate clearly at age 26…
  4. Couldn’t stand being lightly cuddled as a kid. Now I hardly initiate a hug. 
  5. While I was lying face down, I asked my friend to sit on my back. Deep pressure is the most beautiful and calming feeling.
  6. Being asked daily “Can you say that again?” and “can you say that louder?”
  7. Running down the hallway in sprints of joy only to get yelled at. I do my best creative thinking when I leap up from by desk to pace.
  8. Pacing through the hallway for solid hours at night, lost in my favorite songs on repeat.
  9. Been told my voice is either monotonous or fluctuating and erratic. I have little volume control if I’m stressed.
  10. I get goosebumps from music even with returning to a old classic song. I’ve listened to many on loop 1000 times over. I sing out loud on a daily basis to soothe myself.
  11. Ask me a question. I will start rambling and completely forget what you have asked in less than 2 minutes.
  12. Do I have my phone/keys/wallet on me? *Starts to melt down*
  13. Twirling hair rapidly when I’m bored. “stop doing that, it makes you look nervous”…uh because I am?
  14. Is this the right time to say hello to her? Oh no, too much time has passed now it’ll be weird.
  15. ‘I think you should get Vela diagnosed for ADHD’  Said my preschool teacher. Imagine how that offended my mom. ‘Shes too disruptive in the class and wont even try to be still’.
  16. My rigid thinking is my life. I tend to see things as success or failures. Unfortunately this extends to my sense of self worth.
  17. I didn’t find the game Stardew Valley fun until I sorted ALL my items, from red tomatoes to purple eggplants, by color into their respective colored storage chests.
  18. I really don’t remember some of my times tables? Math sux.  
  19. It’s late at night. My bus is late. I start to break down.
  20. Childhood: easy! Highschool: extended childhood where I ran off to the art room alone. College and navigating adulthood: shit hits the fan.
  21. I work at home in a dimly lit room with twinkle lights. Fluorescent lights are evil.
  22. If someone lightly touches me I will flinch or jump. Doesn’t matter if they are a nice friend, my body may respond this way.
  23. My home is a pigstyle at its best. I let food go bad, I have hard time caring enough about cleaning. I have things I wanna do! Even my most patient friend will tell me off for how disgusting my kitchen gets.
  24. I’m more curious about the intent and context behind the questions on online autism ‘tests’ than actually answering the test. Overthinking is just normal thinking for someone with ASD.
  25. I can’t lie. I don’t understand why anyone would. I can’t understand cheating and copying anothers work for your own gain. Dishonesty is repulsive.
  26. Dating is the most horrifying concept in the world to me. Especially online assumptions based on a photo. It’s can’t explain how unpleasant I feel being expected not only to small talk, but am expected to enjoy dealing with someone with an ulterior motive?
  27. “You are always interrupting.’ when I genuinely never intend to.
  28. Countless colorful soft plaid shirts. Mom commenting that look was ‘not very sexy, at-least unbutton the first button!
  29. Plaid is a drastic improvement from the badly fitting sweatpants and daggy shirts I wore as a teen. I was saved by having to wear a uniforms at high school in Australia.
  30. Gets overstimulated babbling in social situations and then suddenly losing all power, needing to go home before I cry.
  31. If you have started me on an interested subject matter and don’t find a way to stop me talking, I will talk forever.
  32. It may take us longer to connect to someone, but we can be empathetic to the detriment of our own sanity. We can take on the suffering of living things so deeply it brings us close to madness.
  33. Working at home feels like a guilty pleasure.
  34. Sarcasm, manipulation and mind games are deeply scarring.  
  35. Carrying a small sketchbook isn’t a casual artist thing, it’s a necessity to help me keep my fidgety hands busy and mind engaged visually.
  36. Being told to stop drawing when I was out at restaurants or social events growing up.
  37. Needed a white board chore chart with smiley face magnets I made myself to get any chores done.
  38. I will wake up, start doing an activity like fixing CSS on my site. I blink and suddenly it’s 3pm and I’m smelly.
  39. Skin picking when anxious, only really when I get acne but it’s so hard to fight.
  40. I try to fix the thought by thinking and then thinking more and then I think…I can’t fix the think! I want to cry! And then I shake my head and rock and find my calm.
  41. Taking other people’s rude, mean judgments and spite to heart. I have been told I have ‘low self esteem’ but really this is my lack of a filter. I assume people are saying something truthful.
  42. I can visualize a tragedy someone tells me verbally, like someone getting hit by a car, extremely vividly. Like its a film playing in my brain, I feel it, hear the crunch of bones…etc.
  43. Kids bullied me for willingly sitting alone in high school. I didn’t quite understand they were making fun of me.
  44. I am obsessed with fictional characters and usually ones with extreme emotions. Delirium, ecstasy, despair and rage are easy to understand. I also love characters with blank mysterious expressions.
  45. My default emotions are confused and curious.
  46. I get emotional and churn over things every night. My poor mom would tell/message me to go to bed. I can’t tell apart being tired from being upset.
  47. I messaged my mom obsessively for life guidance. All through college and right up until cancer took her ability to read this January. I am not conveying how much I depended on her. I was connected deeply to her in maybe a ‘codependent’ way, but I am starting to understand autism is why now.
  48. I realize too late when someone doesn’t wan’t to discuss something interesting with them. I always let my guard down because I crave deep discussion. They seem so strained to find a way to escape.
  49. I give too much vulnerable and often ‘unprofessional’ information. It hurts to constantly hold back from telling someone; ‘No, I’m not having a great day!
  50. Lists, lists lists or else I will forget what I should do next!

I can go on forever well into 400 reasons, but running on 4 hours sleep really is keeping me from being focused on my work the next day. Thanks for reading my vulnerable and tmi content. 🙂

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survived till may + rediscovering repetitive habits https://velanoble.com/2020/05/survived-till-may/ https://velanoble.com/2020/05/survived-till-may/#respond Tue, 05 May 2020 02:30:20 +0000 https://velanoble.com/?p=7737

Hello readers. So something interesting has happened lately. Before I started taking autistic mental health seriously, if I started feeling upset, I would berate myself and make it worse. It’s so hard for me to pull myself out of moods once I’m stuck in the swampy muck. Shame also stems from the fact I even […]

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Hello readers. So something interesting has happened lately. Before I started taking autistic mental health seriously, if I started feeling upset, I would berate myself and make it worse. It’s so hard for me to pull myself out of moods once I’m stuck in the swampy muck. Shame also stems from the fact I even have triggers in the first place. ‘Why do I get like this?’ I berate myself repeatedly. As I take mindfulness and autism seriously now, I try to find solutions for these pangs of emotion.

This morning I went for a jog to try and clear the stress in my mind and set myself up for a productive day. It feels like emotions welling up (and boy, I have a lot of emotions) Even after exercise, I still feel the tension welling up in my head. It is something far different than a headache, just stress and emotion needing to escape. Just in any attempt to stop feeling terrible, I begin shaking my head. I keep it up.

Sh*t. It feels good! I keep doing it. Almost like magic, I realize the emotion that was previously throbbing in my head has entirely dissipated. Only the joy of that addictive simple movement remains. Did I fix that through something as simple as just moving? Moving for the joy of moving? To sway, rock and spin and the thinking and pain all fades away. I am realizing that on the road into adulthood I sadly suppressed the part of myself that needed to bounce, spin and sway. 

I used to get the word ‘ADHD’ muttered around me in childhood, but mostly my behavior was typical of a energetic kid. This energy began to fade away as I lost hours in cartoon worlds, and anime and art kept expanding to be more and more pivotal. Drawing is an acceptable habit…video games, fictional characters too, sure! Bobbing your head or pacing down the hallway repeatedly…that probably isn’t gonna help ya much in the adult world. It’s comparatively easier to forge repetitive habits with drawing, music and misc. cartoon obsessions. However, they can’t help you work through everything. Cartoons seem to represent that joyous bubbly passion of movement, that’s what drawing feels like to me. That burst of emotion is in drawing but also a feeling I get from movement.

 

I used to run down my family’s hallway for no real reason, just burst into a sprint. It excited the dogs too much so my family told me to cut it out. Same with pacing, pacing at 1am when my family was asleep was heavenly. I miss that long stretch of hallway in the dead of night, free to listen to music. It’s walking in the landscape of my mind, not walking with the intention of looking around me. I also happen to do my best creative thinking while jogging, rowing, moving in any way, the ideas just flow into me then. My other common stimming habits are obsessively touching my hair, swaying (on rowing machine too) pacing or scratching my skin, but yeah I try not to do that last one.

I realize now that returning to repetitive movement brings me closer to my unmasked true self. If you have the impulse to move, to JUST DO IT. Especially do it now you’re stuck at home with nothing but time to yourself. I am trying to navigate a world that isn’t made for me, and need to find the coping mechanisms that work for someone like me. This joy of moving is the reason I am the artist I am. I talk about autism so much lately because it is new to me, the traits I have thought made me just ‘neurotic’ and ‘sensitive’ are actually my superpower. Treating these as autistic superpowers is the only thing that can guide me through more than COVID but also horribly complex grief, because I can’t rely on other people to help me through it. Going into the future I hope that other people will start to see the unique approaches and skills that the autistic mind can bring to the world. Although it is a bit of an enigma to understand, it is a special gift for me and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

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