unnatural dread

2022-05-26 14:04:03

I often experience a sense of dread other people won't get.

In this year alone, I was hospitalized and in a ward 2 times. All in March. I experienced some of the darkest pits and recesses of the human mind, and, what I consider to be, beyond.

Asides from my trauma, I feel dread from being judged constantly. I feel the eyes of others on me, assessing me for every hitch in my life. How many times has she been in a ward? I can imagine people saying.

Of course, I am an immature person, in my anger and insecurities. There is a likely chance that people don't think this way, and it is all my self inflicted torture as I believe I deserve such agony.

As I said in my previous blog post, I've attempted to recount how many times my life was disrupted thanks to 'le mania'. I have had to bounce back every time, pick up the computer again, try creating stories and art, even if it's unbearably painful and my head is whirling. I could barely operate Discord after every one of these 'manic' trips.

To be honest, I 'goofed around' for a large chunk of the second half of last year. Besides the engaging caravan trips around South Australia, such as to the Flinders Ranges, Yorke and Eyre peninsula, I spent a large portion of my time attempting to communicate with 'the spirit'. This didn't always bear fruit, but it did continue to guide me in dance late at night. After the other members of my household were fast asleep, I crept out to the living room, and was puppeted by an invisible force to anime songs, Susumu Hirasawa, my fave Western music...you name it. Of course, that is unbelievable for other people to take in.

Other than that, I whiled away the daytime hours watching all the (6?) seasons of My Little Pony, twirling around in the back craft room, and pleading into the void for the spirit to gift me with a least, it's creative magic again.

Because it's magic was breathing through me only a few months prior! During my time at Glenside in June(?), I created my favorite pieces of art for the year. Why did it choose to disappear? Such creativity, without having to be 'skilled drawing', filled my soul with fire.

Glenside art where I played with words from people around me

I begged for this to come back to me. A sense of my art having this fire again, in fact not just that, but a new fire that played with words and meanings as well. Instead, my art became clunky, scratchy and all manner of unappealing-ness.

Something had just felt 'right' about the work I created while at Glenside. I was told it was simply my manic 'mood' that determined how I felt about my art. No, it wasn't. My work objectively felt better to me, whether or not other people agree does not matter, as art is subjective anyways. My point is, the creation and completion of my sketchy pieces like the ones above and below, felt imaginative, creative and fresh to me. Whether or not the drawings are 'very good' doesn't matter, I was content with them.

I have yet to reclaim my sketching style in a way akin to this. This is why it is supernatural, such a thing as enjoying art was stripped from me yet again.

ANother example of how I wish my art stayed.

I am a self taught learner. I taught myself narrative writing, or at least, how to be a better writer, through Ren'Py projects. I taught myself some coding basics through GameMaker Studio, many of these short projects however, being too basic to warrant posting a gif, in my humble opinion.

Maybe I am just an idiot and incapable of making anything good. I feel worthless, I feel like these piddly projects aren't worth even wasting breath on. :(

tassie travels complete with messed up GUI

I have had unreasonable things happen to me, yet to an outsider that doesn't know what I've been through, it's easy to almost say that I've asked for what's happened to me. This leads me back to my fear of being judged. I'm very open about what has happened to me on Instagram and here, but have endured strange comments from people that don't know what they are talking about. Of course, that is what you get for being an honest person with my experiences on the internet. Anyone?

This leads me to say, my strange experiences aren't always coupled with dread. There is the oppositie sensation which I have felt more.

The opposite of this dread, and the thing that keeps me alive, is the sense of 'Berserk feel'.

This is a feeling that washes over me with wonder and tells me that everything will be alright. That things are eternal, go on forever somehow. To feel the earth, sky and darkness overcome me and breathe through me. I have felt something that likes Venus and the moon tugging me towards it, felt the sky warp around me as if viewing it in VR headset, all manner of bizarre shit I am flabbergasted and lack the words for other than 'Berserk feel'.

sky, earth and darkness.

This sense of 'Berserk feel' is simply hope.

It completely makes up for this sense of dread. When I get pulled back into the darkness (the world of mortals, petty garbage shit, jobs, careers and nonsense) I turn to this spirituality, something far more than that, and feel hope again.

It is my heart taking flight and heading towards that endless horizon.