Something puppets my brain and body. It aches. Words escape me. I'm victim to some bullying Gods. More than one probably, from what I've seen.
My head hurts. Ow, ow. Oh why me. It hurts more and more. Asking, pleading into oblivion seeking answers. Knowing it's in no doctrine. No Satanism, or Wiccan or Pagan, despite what that Adelaide University discord may insist is real. A capturing and quantifying this magic exists only in my sketchbooks, featured above and below. It's scribbly, but I recount riddles and answers written by a possessed hand.
I make a fool out of myself again and again. Whether it's with the shit nature of the crappy drawings I post, or in how I am eager to talk about the 'spirit' I have encountered. All the ways I interact with the world, I am foolish and pointless. Alas, I cannot find the tears to pour forth from my eyes, to provide momentary relief from this never-ending nightmare. I do nearly nothing all my free days now that school is done. Nothing meaningful, letting myself be puppeted and bosses around by an unreal entity I can't see nor comprehend, but letting it tell me what to do. It does have some perks though, and what it does in bed is one of them.
I reflected today on the sexual nature of this being. Cuddles (and notoriously sexual behaviour) being a big part of how it interacts with me. It gives me chest spasms, which I've been reluctant to tell the world about since easily someone could say, "You need to go see a doctor for that." Little do they listen to the fact I say this isn't of this world. If people believe in Satanism, they should bloody well believe in me. These spasms are gentle but can impact my entire body. It then proceeds to lift my legs and arms around, arms going over my head often, my hands scrambling to lift shirt up, all not my doing. I tremble and squirm as the power shudders through me again and again, and that is all it is capable of doing to me. It almost pretends to sit upon me like fat succubus/incubus but it does not have a physical form, for now.
It is not a medical condition. It is not satanist demon either. Because the latter isn't real in my opinion, and the first doesn't match these rapid breathing moments I get. There only exists what I have felt in my body so convincingly all these months. What I said are mostly all of the factual symptoms of what I have gone through. You can imagine what I say by a possessed hand.
People may desire sex and magic tied together, because, heck, it's kinky right? I believe I have experienced genuine sex magic for exactly what I have just said, something that puppets my body around, often in a sexual way. This makes for a weird blog post, but it might be spicy enough to earn me a few likes, c'mon guys. But to say the word 'occult' one means it is tied into Satanism, Wiccan or Paganism or something like that? Well, yeah, so that's why my experiences aren't occult. My concept of the universal God is far larger than anyone can ever process. I can't fit into some subtopic in the edgy discord I found for those aforementioned cool kids.
In short, I've had my life destroyed by something. I will probably never get married and have kids at this rate because of being an insular person with unbearable trauma, and also for being someone that prefers an invisible feisty partner to a real one. I will never be normal in the eyes of other people, and I just want to seem competent to my family above all else. I just want the people closest to me to know I'm trying not to let them down. But being possessed by a spirit that's chucked me in wards over 3 times doesn't exactly help me out on that front.
I would like to find community, I just don't believe in Satanist gobbil-dee-gook when I've felt something for myself that's left such searing marks on my body (metaphorically). I would like to have a partner but it will be impossible to find one that competes with my invisible current lover. Yes it all makes me sound quite batshit, but it's true. I simply have no other place I can talk about legitimate 'occult' feelings, things beyond our world.
Even if other people are interested in this, think most people couldn't ever prepare to take it on. Even the more hardened of Satanists. You know why?
It's really, super, mega annoying.
Over and out.