I started a course in Disability Support today and am anxious for one thing only. I can do the reading, but if I don't have kindness for myself, how can I have it for others?
As I've said before, I lost my ability to draw over a year ago. Since then, I have had vastly reduced skills and had to live with a life where I couldn't do my career, enjoy my only hobby and basically breathe.
So amidst all that, how do you find self compassion? How did I?
In short, I couldn't. I was a wreck. Every drawing made me want to cry, and I could see no good in any of them. I had lost my path in life, my 'ikigai', my pillar providing enjoyment, optimism, excitement and above all, catharsis.
I wallowed in depression for months of the year, until gradually (6 agonizing months) I began to find some confidence in art again. I couldn't avoid art like the doctor ordered, that is impossible for someone whom art was like breathing.
I have had to face some of darkest demons that lump me into a small percentage of people. Those with experience with 'psychosis', check, wards, check, processing horrific trauma and grief, check, some other bizarre stuff nobody will believe and sounds like conspiracy theories, BIG check.
I am more haunted by how others may see me. Thinking "Vela isn't as good anymore" well, so be it. That is one damn painful demon, although it isn't dark. It's just the part of me that wants to be loved and admired at least a bit, which everyone has. I had lumped too much of my worth in together with my skills, at least I'm honest enough to admit it. :|
I haven't talked much about the art angst on this new blog because it was too raw for me. Now I'm facing the challenges of digital painting again and I'm not afraid of my big Cintiq (which I had been avoiding a year since moving back in with my dad).
To find kindness, I remind myself is that I have an invisible burden others can't see. They may think my work looks fine or that I'm functioning, but they don't understand I have gone through 'psychosis', aka. tearing open a portal into a new dimension in your mind(?). I want readers to be open minded that psychosis is an enigmatic mystery, because I've experienced it and even them I'm unable to word what I've seen but especially, what I've felt.
Mania and psychosis are supernatural experiences for me, just described as mental health to make them less frightening for outsiders. I have strained friendships by talking about my recently acquired spiritual/supernatural beliefs. I understand if nobody wants to take it, but I've experienced things I can't even put into words because it sounds so outlandish, frightening and wonderful.
I can't overthink these strange 'manic' experiences anymore, that is why I just draw simple Touhou and Berserk and heal. I am not creating based on my experiences for now (LoveSecretsGod features some of the meta of mania). My old game really is almost getting shelfed in exchange for GML blue dragon shmup.
I post here because if I can't be my truthful self anywhere, I will break.
I've accepted I'll be healing from a plethora of things for a long time...
From evil, confusing and bitter memories. Lets just say, an encounter in a dark park.
From the brain impact of 'psychosis', which has very selectively taken my art lmfao.
From both the horror and beauty I have seen. What others don't want to understand because it is so far beyond what they know. :(
From feeling useless in the 'normie/surface world'. Online. Jobs. Friendships.
That is a lot to heal from.
But in short, I wanted to mention that other people with Bipolar mania haven't reported the same bizarre shit I mentioned in this post. The stuff nobody will believe because it is too much. I just am speaking from my own experiences with Bipolar type 1 and psychotic mania. I really do accept nobody wants to hear my supernatural spin on things. :'''(
I'm mostly terrified my joy of art will deteriorate and return back to that dreadful loathing place I was in these last (almost) 2 years.
I have new 'standards' now basically. To give it a fair go and not get upset if I can't polish it very much or if an arm looks wompy. If anyone has a problem with it or thinks my new work is cringe, it doesn't matter because I'm proud of my strength for enduring what I have.
All the horrifying, confusing and beautiful experiences that are called 'sickness' make us special. This is why I'm studying Disability for now, because in the future, really massive findings in the field of neurodiversity/mental health will happen.
Anyways, I should go off practicing kindness with my GML programming attempts. It's getting really hard. I've turned to three people for help on this tiny game already.