heart is up in my throat

2022-02-05 16:44:00

I've made a fool of myself a lot this last week, streaming into oblivion and whatnot. I finally did the ultimate embarrassment by spitting truth on my 100k sub YouTube.

Here is the embarassing video.

I've felt like I don't deserve my Youtube audience. Full of people that only followed me for Disconnected, an old animated film from my Calarts days that gained popularity randomly. This audience has been steadily growing since 2016 without me having to do anything. But do I deserve it?

Do I deserve a space to say what life has tossed at me? To share my own agenda for talking about mental health, trauma and the unknown? To share whatever scraps of art I can do?

A large percentage of comments were always rude and judgmental, as if it always has to be my content that has something wrong with it. I'm trying not to get upset now because my rage somehow earns me demerits online.

Well, I've dropped the big bomb now, as politely and heartfelt as possible. The bomb that I have my own goals in life now that aren't animating. That is healing. I'm sure a few will show interest in what I have to say, and will stay with me. That's all that matters. The ones that want to stay will stay.

Looking forward to a future where I'm proud of my YouTube account....

Yeah right.