Venting after a tough week

2022-05-08 21:15:48

I recently have had some bad encounters I don't want to access too deeply, but still want to get off my chest.

My dad's, gf's, daughter was invited over for dinner this last week, but I was told she was extremely irritable and manic. So basically, not herself. I was prepared for an awkward encounter, but not what ensued.

Of course, people would say I have experience with mania, but as I've said in my most recent I don't. I have experienced something more.

Over dinner, she was extremely frenetic and I could tell she might snap over something. When she asked what everyone was doing, dad began to praise my programming, which I had been spending weeks working on. Mid sentence, this bitch cut my own father off and said "Do you care about me tho?"

Art from my time at Glenside, when the world was sparkling and fluffy.

There was a stagnant pause. Obnoxiously stifling air.

"Pardon?" My dad said.

"You didn't ask about me, you never ask about me". She manically retorted without a moments notice.

"Well, how have you been?" My dad tentatively asked.

"I don't like to talk about myself, because I'm not self obsessed".

Obviously she was having a jab at me, since my dad had been proud of my dedication to my studies. The conversation shifted towards what SHE wanted to talk about, aboriginies and more manic obnoxious 'human-rights' related subjects.

Unsufferable. Intolerable. Such descriptive words do not cut it. It was the most painful experience I'd had in years. Maybe ever.

Because her delusion was so apparent. That she was completely in denial of being in true manic state.

This isn't what I've experienced. I've felt a fairytale, not just that but seen, heard, smelt and felt distinct phenomena.

I left the table obviously being unwelcomed and walked off to vent. When I came back, the conversation had escalated to her denial over what her doctor has told her. When I tried to butt in, she viciously attacked me.

You're antisocial. (basically she said this)

What would you know? (because she knew I'd been in a ward)

Oh yeah coming from you. (same)

You're broken. (She said this twice)

my unbreakable eye contact during this time

I held unflinching eye contact. Saying barely anything but "like you even know me" and scoffing. Not too long after, my tolerance finally met it's limit, and I raised my voice.

She got up an left, and I avoided my dad and his gf the rest of the night. I wasn't exactly shaking in anger, but simply righteously energised by this experience.

Why? Because she knows fucking nothing. Nothing about magic or God, the latter being something the Christian bitch obsesses about.

I confided to this bitch that I believed I'd experience magic months ago, when I thought she was nice. Now I see a dark underbelly, maybe her true opinions on me? Or is it simply 'le manias'.

So what is it about normal mania, being reckless, irritable, destructive, irrational, maybe a change in personality perhaps.

All things this chick was, and acting upon in my damn home. Everything said had a blatant passive aggressiveness, giving off an impression she despised everyone around her. Such was not the case when I was 'manic', in quotes. I calmly went about the world in a daze, with my head fluffy in the clouds, wandering the parklands as I've written about.

To me, the mania this chick exhibited was simply emotional instability. What other people experience with mania is simply this.

I have been wacky in mania and posted too much to Instagram, but never willingly attacked people as cruelly. I most definitely didn't have the capacity for passive aggressiveness, that completely has never been on my radar. People who knew me described it as being "Vela at 1000%". That however, was what they observed from my 2020 psychotic/mania.

What happened in 2021 changed my life.

In May-July 2021 I existed in a fairytale, both during my time in wards and for a month once I came back home. My 'irrationality' was completely sane in my own mind. For example, I thought the world was ending and felt a tense magical energy squeezing from all around me. At one stage I thought everyone had to get down low otherwise their heads would be supernaturally lopped off. I plastered myself to our living room floor and yelled for dad and his gf to do the same.

Of course, this seems irrational. But in my world, I was feeling an energy other people couldn't. It wasn't always malicious, but instead said "watch out! Danger!" This is why I don't consider my experiences 'evil', even if they have caused distress.

I also filled a precious (20 year old unused) scrapbook up with Adelaide Uni clippings, doodles, mental health paperwork and above all, Lost Children arc printouts! I made these Shrinky-dinks, plastic totems in vein of a Ouija board pointer, for moving around on strings and guiding my hand to construct meaning.

Pure divination. It's a spellbook. I was purely synced to the universe at this stage in late June.

It's obscenely precious to me now. A spellbook.

What am I trying to get at here is I haven't experienced plain vanilla mania, but instead felt something much more. When I made this scrapbook, I was completely synced to music, something that happens on and off to this day.

I also had another negative experience to top off my Saturday. I went out for drinks with a group after a meetup. Already I was on edge because one of these persons had offended me in past months. I happened to be one out of two women at the meetup, followed by 20-something men. Yeah, this hasn't bothered me in the past, aside from one fact.

We were exchanging bumble profiles when one of the guys teased me on my photos. Maybe it was innocuous, but coming from a stranger, I was triggered.

I wasn't smiling enough, apparently.

smile more :)

It didn't feel like it came from a lighthearted teasing place, as he said I looked like I had just been in a Ukrainian war camp.

This leads me to say, I felt a distinct bro energy from the two people laughing at my bumble profile. That I was treated as an undesirable, or something.

I realised then and there, that I was the only woman amongst all these guys, so of course it is expected for them to treat me differently. As the opposite gender, either their type or not.

I could have tried to not get upset, but I did. Thankfully, some of the other guys were more understanding of me.

I don't want to stereotype, but it seems each gender is more comfortable with each other. Like that's the way it will always be, unless its romantic. Of course, these people were autistic, so I have to cut them some slack. Maybe.

Still, there is little excuse for teasing someone you barely know, especially in a biting way.

I am extremely triggered by online dating, I can't stand the shallowness of it all. It used to trigger me more, but thankfully I've somewhat given up on any hope of having a love life. It was too much having people laugh at my photos in real life, right in front of me. This ruined my time out, although I was comforted by other guys right after.

I ended up flat out drunk on Korean Soju, or however that's spelt, and found my way home alright. I flopped into bed after struggling to take off my dress. It had been an ok night out. 14% alcohol does things to a girl.

work on my game

Asides from a heck of a lot of programming, this has been my week in review. From being attacked directly and called 'broken', to being laughed at, I haven't exactly had a fun time. Asides from my GameMaker progress, it has been pretty emotionally draining. Lets hope next week is better. :)