Unmasking, streaming and blackout trauma.

2022-02-02 10:09:04

So I really didn't used to like the concept of streaming. I thought it was reserved for entertaining extroverts. When I saw that they said streaming the Global Game was heavily encouraged, and knew that I would be participating purely online, I felt like I want to share the process. whether with my teammates or random viewers across the world.

So I booted up my computer and shared as much as starting with the basic concept art of our game. All on twitch, for whomever wanted to stop by.

I am autistic. I don't always like using the label, but it is still a useful descriptive word that signifies my behavior is different to 'neurotypicals.', yet another narrow word that crafts a division between us and them.

I've endured an autistic at this Meetup I went to that called neurotypicals 'pre Cambrian bottom feeders' and 'absolute incapable morons'. Ouch. Well, I tried to interject and say my brother and his girlfriend, and my mom (used to be, bless her soul.) more on the NT spectrum than ND, and of course I love them.

sorry volume is low i didn't know

Ways in which I'm autistic include my flat affect voice (most of the time), which shifts to strange high pitches. I struggled with speech issues as a child (slurring my S's) which I still haven't fully fixed. I (love to) pace, fidget and (regrettably) scratch my skin out of sensory seeking. I can make eye contact, but usually it's more a matter of forgetting and not feeling like it, finding it tedious and slightly intimidating with a stranger. I am fine with family members. I have been plagued with Anxiety and Depression across the years, and Bipolar is comorbid. I tend to dominate conversation and steer even casual family dinners towards dark or niche subjects if I am not reeled in, completely killing the vibe. I can't stomach casual small talk when first meeting someone, I want to cut to the chase and understand their very soul, passions and trauma. Above all else, I know I struggle with (not empathy but) remembering the feelings of others, but I have improved in this area. So, in a nutshell, I am intense, but when I can be myself, I am goofy.

So, given all of that why do you think I wanted to stream? To make a fool of myself in front of strangers? I found my opinions on streaming changed because of what I've experienced last year.

I spent months starting from May, when Miura passed away, stricken with emotions due to this man having aided me throughout my life. Since 2016 his work was a comfort, an inspiration and a guidance more than any religious text could be. And so, if I can explain to new WordPress viewers, I began a habit of speaking into Instagram and posting a torrential amount of videos to my story.

Of course this behavior is irritating and odd, but a fair amount of people looked at my stories. I begged that they were listening, to my pleas trying to explain how a golden wave of unreal light had flooded over me, caving in space time as I shrieked for my dad in confusion. To discuss how I had felt the sensation of molasses in my brain, being above others like I was out of my body, all before the ultimate supernatural (which I wont talk about anymore) happened and I ran away from home.

I'll leave you with this video. Be aware, I get emotional. I am being genuine. And this isn't the sort of content you'll find anywhere else.

One of my most intense videos, it's compiled together as I thought I'd post to YouTube, but backed out. Knowing people wouldn't be understanding there.

Still, even in this temporary, fleeting videos, I found an unbelievable catharsis. I could express myself, using a part of me rather than plain text. My vocal characteristics changed as I went through this bizarre odyssey of my body feeling like it was on what I called "Berserk fire". Yet another phenomena where well, my body was burning in a way I'd never felt my whole life.

Below is yet another hysterical snippets of rambling, as I felt a hot flush of emotions and otherworldly fire caress my whole body.

Video. The original sticker-filled one is up on moondisorder_ under my stories be warned. I scream and cry.

And thus, I continued this strange and obnoxious habit for the next 6 months. Well until December 2021. I don't know what it is about the New Year, but I tend to have epiphanies, I just accepted that posting these miniature 15 second videos x100 was not suitable, but mostly because of the platform really.

I don't know why it took me so long to be brave enough to stream. Because things shifted in me, I gained self esteem to talk about my "Bipolar" and supernatural experiences through sharing to Instagram. I realized that if people want to call me creepy, I couldn't fucking care less. If I was a boring live streaming, whatever, nobody has to stay in the stream.

And so, I tried streaming over the Global Game Jam and found I gained a handful more subscribers. Woah, I thought, people stopped by and listened to me? Is it because I had the GGJ hashtag in my title, that less people saw my videos I did after the jam.

Still, I could feel insecure about doing this.

Because what, it's just another drop in an endless sea of content. That actually is the reason I tried it, and will probably keep it up as I was streaming Umineko no naku koro ni and engage with it more when I read it out loud.

I was preparing to post videos to Youtube, but no. It is not the place. It is not welcoming and understanding of strange content. People want tame, safe and non-confronting shit.

So being autistic, I wanted to do this one way dialogue. I don't have a second monitor so I can't see the chat. Also, I don't want to see the chat. That is why I didn't do long livestreams.

So why avoid the chat if you're livestreaming? Because this is the issue, I want a place I can express myself with body language and voice, facial expression and engaging mentally with the content I'm working on/playing. Above all, it doesn't involve editing, that is the appeal it holds for me.

Without editing, I feel like I can present an 'unmasked' side of myself and avoid the chat, appealing to people like me who don't want to feel welcomed into the chat. Yes, I just want to be invisible when I enter other chats.

So most people don't want that. They want the artist to respond to them, to address their comments. someone said 'I was watching you VODs then you went live and interrupted it". What exactly does that mean? Don't stream? Get a schedule so people can watch your past streams without being interrupted?

I had issues with music being too loud, with not capturing Discord sounds (maybe for the best) and leaving up text overlays saying "Brb" even once I came back. So what, that is being new.

I drew this on a stream.

What I wanted to express is, I grew into needing a place to rant online. Being autistic is a big part of why, to be theatrical, goofy and myself and try addressing an audience.

Of course, I'm afraid of rejection from that audience of one. To be told, you're damn boring. Well, yeah I accepted that is kind of unavoidable but if it's boring people don't have to look. It doesn't mean I don't have a right to do it.

I'd like to think a few people want to hear what I have to say, just like the people whom I could see saw my insane screaming talking about Berserk. It's not about how many people see it. 20, 10, 2, whatever. It wont stop me from doing it. It doesn't make you loser if less people see it.

I feel rejected when people unfollow me. Wahh, someone unfollowed my Spotifly playlist and Github. It's hard facing rejection, but the fact of the internet is that people have short attention spans. They may not want to watch me agonizing over my visual novel.

Is it cringe because I am different. This is where autism comes into play. Most of us are different right?

I can imagine people's comments, "um this is lame", "what are you doing" or 'nobody cares about this". Maybe not literally like that, but veiled insults and judgements, like the people on Youtube that saw my strange videos before I deleted them. Ah yes, my rejection sensitivity. My thin skin, or is it thin? Are people just assholes if you are different?

I'm getting tougher. Ultimately, I'm going to interact on the internet the way I want to. That may be autistically and monologuing-ly unexciting to any average viewer, but it is exciting for me. Especially as I wish to share my game development, a fulfilling but long process.

If you are interested in any of this, my Twitch is moondisorder. Looking forward to seeing someone there. Over and out.