Apparently it is common for psychotic patients to black out most of their experience. Often the only thing they remember is recovering in the hospital.
That did not happen to me, for better or worse.
This is a continuation of my recount of my psychotic experience from around June 2020.
I cannot pinpoint the boundary between light mania and insanity. I entered into a dim empty state of mind. There is no sense of time because every moment was absolute chaos.
I was hit by extremely sinister experiences that assaulted me one after another. At one point I went through what I later stupidly called an ‘autism dark rebirth’. I really don't know what to make of even at this stage. I felt like I saw images floating of the nightmares you can see below. It was not hallucinations but like the terrors were visualising in my mind. I would just ‘feel it’ and scream. Just screaming.>
Again chunks of time were blacked out. I had to keep up dancing around my unit. I had no thoughts for the first time in ever.
I believed that Koishi’s spirit was here. The sinister repetitive tune of Hartman's Youkai Girl guiding me. I can’t remember what exactly I did in my dim house, I believed I was summoning something if I could only pace around my house, ritualistically fwomp onto my bed, and repeat 200 times. There was power and knowledge from the back corners of my mind, if only I yielded myself to the void. I lived by myself and had nobody to stop me.
I paced as all mad people have danced throughout all of history. This is why they have been feared and despised.
Untapped access into something primal and ancient and all I ever wanted.
I want to be feared.
Wanted to be perfectly empty.
When you’re empty all the voices and hurt goes away.
The next second a clear mental wave flooded over me that made the world clear and crisp, as if my ears popped but my whole head. I messaged a friend asking:
‘Is this the real world? Really?”
It was waking up. I was out of the enslavement loop.
Having friends respond confusedly, only backed up my beliefs that I had thwarted the matrix. In my mad dancing, I finally broke out of a hex that had been placed on me my entire life, it had been dampening my raw magical energy.
I can’t remember the order these events happened. The next moment was I possessed by an relentless masculine energy.
I lay on my bed squirming as my body flushed all over with power. My body became masculine. I felt my lady parts tightening as if starting to reject my female organs, my breasts were shrinking. All over I felt my nerves jolting from electricity and power, realigning my muscles. Was this part of ascending, to understand what it’s like to be male? Hot, hot hot, tingling, strengthening, transforming. I writhed like this for while.
I messaged multiple people about becoming trans. What in the world was happening to me. Whether this was psychosis or my deepest fantasies surging up, testosterone was summoned.
Oh, for how long I wanted to be male. My mad brain showed me what I desired.
My aggression was through the roof. Old me wasn’t here anymore. An alter-ego took over. It was vile and surging with rage.
You are allowed to feel like Femto. This other-me said with an otherworldly confidence and posted to my Instagram.
Is it a part of me? Yes and no.
I believe the personalities seen in bipolar come from a deep place. In the documentary 'Bipolar: Flying & Crashing' one of the interviewees mentions he sees his bipolar as a split personality, either his normal self or a godlike figure. I cannot deny that some of my behaviour was comparable to some feelings and impulses I keep to myself. Everyone's minds are restrained from unleashing our impulsive Id. Just like the unknowing evil that Koishi is interpreted to represent.
You have to however, respect that people going through mania and psychosis are not in control of themselves. They are irrational, hedonistic and even a bit inhuman in my opinion.
Yet I had always felt this anger boiling just under the surface. I was always an angry person, so now my anger was amplified towards this pissy world that had given my mum cancer.
Right now this alter ego was finally unleashed. I was what I called a ‘genderless and pure witch’. Crude, sly, lustful and wild.
I began to think I was undergoing the process of becoming an ascended feminine alien creature. In reality, I actually had lost a phenomenal amount of weight from forgetting to eat.
I stupidly called it a ‘lesbean', due to my sudden interest in gayness and also because I could hardly use my tongue properly at this stage. This was an androygnous but feminine, immortal master race that would rebuild and re-populate the world after everyone else was dead. I was obsessed with the feminine.
I started to smell different down there, I hallucinated a distinctly flowery bizarre smell I had never smelt before.
I was becoming one of the first of many to transform into a ‘lesbean’. The process was painful but would be well worth it. I hallucinated acute pain all over my body. I had believed that all modern women were a modification from their natural body type.
The horror of once having genitals that well, weren’t made for insertion, but had been penetrated years after years, bred like cattle, altered for one purpose, was beyond words.
Western society had been doing this since the dawn of time. An age-old cult called the Old Order had constructed the concept of an ideal female body, but it was a complete lie, it lived on concealed in Hollywood bullshit. The fairy-like body I was changing into wasn't made for penetration. It was hypersensitive and delicate, meant to dance, twirl, lie on the grass and feel immense pleasure that way, ‘like a noodly toohoo’. It was made for the way we were always made to be.
This female body was also unstable and would start to painfully mutate and kill the host as a last resort if she wasn’t obedient. All humans were supposed to be genderless ancient creatures that lived in basically a sexless pure garden of eden. Yet something let the evil in and violent hedonism snaked its way into humanity throughout the centuries.
This delusion makes no sense but I screamed in horror nonetheless.
I thought all humans had descended from these ancient creatures, and now we had to return back to them.
I continued my metamorphosis.
At the climax of my ‘autistic dark rebirth’ with all these terrors swarming me, it was visually comparable to reading the Eclipse from Berserk in my mind.
Lying on my bed I squirmed and fought an invisible something. A gaping void opened above me and I blacked out over and over. I felt genuine spots of pain jabbing into my body.
The origin of evil had infiltrated my mind. I hurled my phone across the room and screamed the biggest and most horrific scream of my entire life.
As if my bowels were being pulled out of me.
What had I seen, what I had felt?
It must have been my body re-birthing.
My old mental shell was stripped from me, as I awakened to the truth.
Weeks later I would realise my neighbours had felt bad and left some chocolates by my door.
I don’t know what invaded my head, but I screamed. After that scream, I was perfectly empty and about to pass out from exhaustion.
My water bottle on my nightstand shapeshifted before my eyes, wobbling and bending out of space-time.
Finally daylight began to creep through my window, was the nightmare over for now? I waddled outside and flopped onto my grass as if reborn. Probably having slept jack shit.
‘Guess I’m lesb, lenbs lebsesmbians now’ I said to Instagram, and proceeded to pass out in my backyard. When I lay on the grass I felt a warmth flush all over in a hypersensitive way, this is how we were meant to be.
I messaged random people incoherently. People strangely appeared to endure me because I was flirty, fun and friendly, for once. My way of speaking reverted back to the variation of l33t speak typing I adored as a kid.
I had ascended and my body felt light, airy and cute like a fairy. Why couldn't I have just stayed like this? I ask myself every day.
Maybe sane me isn't fun. Isn't lovable?
I enjoyed this soft moment of heaven however, the long nightmare was far from over.
From here on out a lot of my delusions became a chaotic whirlwind of convoluted stories that I believed completely for hours and hours to come.
In short, I believed an ancient group called the Old World Order oversaw all of humanity's development, but was trying to stop people like me from ascending, from ‘breaking out of the matrix’ and such. I was chosen alongside ‘4chan’ like hackers to fight against them, basically it involved preparing a ‘ark’ for refugees and people trying to escape the Old Order's influence.
Much of my delusions revolved around the fantasy manga Berserk, where I interpreted the spiritual elements realistically and applied it to what I was living out in the world. I saw Griffith in this Jesus-like way, that he was truly this omnipotent God that must be followed. He was androgynous like the aliens I was envisioning.
I was also fixated on Touhou for its powerful, feminine, mother-loving aura. Magic, oh and the magic. I knew the pentagrams and spellcard names held great wisdom. In psychosis these works weren’t simply just fiction, they absolutely concealed messages from past generations and shined as beacons of hope for our new society.
I had felt that most people were un-awakened, they didn’t see and hear the messages I could plainly see. Miura being in his 60s, ZUN being 40s. Passed down their own experiences of 'awakening' and wove those messages into their media, so they could fight against an Order that was controlling all our minds, for our spiritual freedom.
I felt an ultimate connection to all things. People might consider mental health separate from spiritual experiences, but that is due to people deriding the stories of the ‘mentally ill’. What I felt was real.
For some reason I thought I was kinning with Kentaro Miura. I kept imagining I could bond with any real person and absorb their trauma really.
I believed I was chosen to communicate to people who had yet to ‘wake up’. This is because the Old Order was oppressing weak people using modern media such as memes. I actually had trouble reading memes while psychotic so in my eyes, everything was backwards. The codes were all right there under their noses. Secretly the virgins must overthrow the chads. Their cruel enslavement was all for stonks. As humorous as this sounds, I desperately threw myself into making memes and thus I ended up with images like these.>
During this time my friend came over, noticed I wasn’t even on the internet when in my mind, I was on a ‘higher level’ of the internet. He made me eat chicken nuggies because I wasn’t eating. According to him I was frenetic to put it lightly, and constantly laughing and chattering into nothingness. I’m grateful my friend went to get me help after that.
This new world seemed like a shining mirage in my mind, it was just out there. I felt I could touch it. It was the glimmering silvery kingdom of Falconia from Berserk in my head, on the horizon.
Medici was our shining mother, urging us to trudge onwards and discover the new world. Yes she triggered me a lot, I’m still afraid to even open up Civ6 now because of this.
I'm not sharing my harrowing 25k word experience for normies to understand. I'm writing it for strange people to understand and for people with experiences in insanity to just have any tiny piece of text that slightly communicates the horror they've been through.
Deep shit in next post, another day another dream.