Mea culpa

2021-01-20 22:28:00

Warning: Adult content Ryuunosuke Uryuu x Caster Gilles de Rais. Fate/Zero. 18+ Fanfiction.

The final moments of my life drew near. I was pulled up to a wooden platform and prepared for being hanged. The jeers of peasant folk below me were eagerly anticipating my death. This is what Jeanne had felt before she died however, she did not have such a merciful death.

Forgive me Jeanne, I would have endured anything to prevent you from feeling what you did.

The faces in the crowd were contorted with malice and sick pleasure. So this is what people are like? I too had gleefully tortured children, I thought at the time that my cruelty would prove something. That staring into the abyss I would find some answers, that God would hear me. All my atrocities proved was one thing, that I was just as rotten as the scowling faces before me.

Jeanne, I wish I could have gone to where you went, but I know I wont.

‘I hope you die slowly, you sick fuck!’ A dirty beggar woman screeched at me.

I grinned. Yes that would be nice. Maybe hell was real and would make sure I suffer for how I have disgraced her love. Lord I wanted to believe in you, with every bit of my soul.

Mea culpa….

“Forgive m-’

The platform gave way…


Next thing I remembered was being in a dark place, shrouded in smoke, and crackling of magical electricity around me.

This frenetic snapping and sparking continued around me for a while. Dark magical energy I had studied in my past.

Is this hell?

As the smoke cleared I looked around in this dark space. The room was furnished in a peculiar way and filled with strange items and mutilated corpses. I realised I was standing in the middle of a bloody pentagram.

I raised my eyes and locked on those of a man standing off in one corner. His were wide in awe and in that one moment, a torrent of ancient knowledge flooded into me.

I had bridged the gap between life and death and was brought back to this mortal realm.

I was part of a bond older than time itself. To participate in a war people have fought for centuries.

I instantly acquired knowledge of a strange foreign tongue.

I had been summoned. I began to approach the young man.

‘Ah so I must ask you’ I said not in my native French, but another language.

As I got closer, I dwarfed him in size.

Moonlight flooded into the space, I could tell he was smiling.

‘Are you my master?’


That was how Gilles was summoned as Ryuunosuke’s servant. In no time at all they adapted to an everyday life. Ryuunosuke worked odd jobs at strange hours, and the two of them became nocturnal because of that. He left Gilles alone in his tiny apartment when he was out working.

“I have to go to work, can you take care of yourself? I will be working until 2am probably.”

Gilles picked up some magazines.

‘Yes I think I will research a bit’

Gilles opened up a magazine to a spread covered in colourful bargain sales.

“I promise I’ll be back with dinner, thanks Danna’

He shut the door.


Gilles didn’t understand if this could be translated back into French. Still I knew it was special because it was uniquely chosen by his master. He sat at the tiny table in the tiny apartment and read. That was one of the nuances of Japanese culture and language he didn’t understand. As time passed he read more and more books, but it only made him feel he understood Japanese culture less and less.

Every now and again he peered outside, the dusk shadows began to seep over the tiny city streets. This magical mixing orange and purple in the sunset was his favourite thing to look at. They were almost the colours of his master, with that gaudy purple shirt he almost always wore. Most of the time he stayed inside, since he would surely get lost if he went outside without Ryuunosuke.

He read up on ways of being polite, and tried to make sure to remember to practice it on Ryuunosuke when he returned. Although he wasn’t a heavy reader, Ryuunosuke owned plenty of comics and adult materials. He found the book on oriental dark magic that Ryuunosuke had used to summon him, and began to compare that against the spellbook.

In that book he read about the specificities of mana. Mana was a magical energy that was passed from master and servant and kept them part of this world. Gilles glanced over the pages until eventually he paused on a paragraph. He squinted his eyes on it to make sure he read the kanji right. So the more efficient way to restore mana involves…interesting, maybe this is why he was becoming more and more fatigued with each passing day. Ryuunosuke, did you know about this? Maybe he should ask him tonight. With his heart up in his chest, Gilles couldn’t stop reading and taking notes late into the night.

When Ryuunosuke came back from his job it was 2am.

‘Welcome home’

The deep voice took Ryuunosuke by surprise for a moment, as he was still not used to anyone waiting for him at home. Gilles postured himself in the attentive Seiza style. Despite being a looming white man, this suited him very much. He moved and bowed his head with the peculiarities of a 15th century nobleman, yet was adapting to Japanese mannerisms in record time.

Ryuunosuke’s throat was dry and he tried to swallow before continuing. Despite being a laid back person, he found his heart stirred upon viewing this sight. It was sensual and domesticated at the same time. He sat down and dumped an assortment of food on the small table. The usual onigiri, dumplings, strange flavoured bread and a menagerie of other meaty carbs littered the table. He passed some packaged food towards Gilles.

‘You gotta try this one, it’s the best’

‘Thank you, Japan really is a plentiful country, to be able to eat like a king…’

He examined the package, while lost in the memory of his home country, his century.

‘Mfffm, it’s not really anything special’ Ryuunosuke dismissed it.

They started eating until Gilles broke the silence

‘Ryuunosuke, should we be worried about the Holy Grail war?’

‘Eh?’ He froze. Lowering his chopsticks.

‘Well I didn’t really wanna get involved with anything serious. I just happened to find an old spell book and didn’t even know what I was doing so.’ he shoved food in his mouth.

‘So I was a mistake?’

Painful silence. With his mouth full, he looked away in shame.

Night had fallen and the streetlights began to flicker on.

‘It’s not like that. I just don’t know what I’d do with the Holy Grail anyway, I mean, of course I have a plan. Danna, do you have something you want to do with it?’

‘The Holy Grail’ he pondered it, ‘maybe I’d use it to destroy this sickly world’

‘Ooh, like making a massive hellscape, that’s my vision too’

They continued to eat. It should be noted that Gilles was not very good with chopsticks and took a long time.

‘Man, I don’t know what I do now that I have a servant like you’

He said as he opened up a soft drink.

‘What do you usually do for fun in the evenings Ryuunosuke?’

‘Well um, maybe it’s not appropriate to say’

As Gilles looked questioningly at him with those intense dark eyes, Ryuunosuke sharply looked away.

‘To put it nicely, It’s not like I can bring chicks back here anymore, not with you here’

Gilles continued to look confused before suddenly breaking into a smile, bringing his large hand up to his lips as he laughed. With the sinful gleam in those strange narrowed eyes, he appeared like the devil reincarnated. A chill ran up Ryuunosukes’ spine.

‘I’m sorry Ryuunosuke, for being so inconvenient’

Ryuunosuke started to flush red. Some feelings roused in him from seeing that mischievous smile. He was sharing a futon with this strange creature?

‘Whatever we should probably go fight in the grail war but I just don’t care. It’s super late, lets sleep’

He crawled into the futon and pulled a blanket over his head. Ryuunosuke had one futon, on which Gilles awkwardly shared one side. Under the covers Ryuunosuke’s face flushed a deep red as he clenched his fists up close to him. He wanted to hear that voice close in his ear again, but tried not to think about it.

Gilles stared up at the flickering street light visible through his window. So this is Japan, people live in tiny boxes and eat strange food. Their language is made up of tedious picture-like words. He observed Ryuunosuke, who was rolled on his side facing away, wearing a loose white singlet. Gilles observed the gentle rise and fall of his breathing. He felt a slight pulse of mana his master was transferring to him, the energy keeping him alive in this realm. The deepest energy he could transmit however, was being held back. It couldn’t be given just with this.

Gilles wondered what it would be like to hold that petite body, but kept the urge to himself.


The next day they walked around town. It was mid January and had snowed overnight. A thin crust of snow lay on the city and the sky remained clouded and dark. It was usually the case that Ryuunosuke had plenty of spare time and wanted to enjoy all that Tokyo had to offer. They walked by shops and restaurants.

It was one of the few times they went out together in daylight. As expected, many of the local people visibly turned to look at Gilles as they walked past. Gilles began to shrink down a bit, aware of the attention.

‘Don’t mind them Danna, it’s a compliment, you’re super tall and handsome’

‘Thanks for the compliment, but I’m not attractive Ryuunosuke’

Ryuunosuke paused a moment. He had meant what he said. When he looked at Gilles, he saw he was still young with a sharp face, nose and thick black hair. A tall strong body and yet still slender. Above all his strange bowed eyes expressed an almost otherworldly charm. Even if he seemed gaunt and unusual, It was something about how all the features worked together in harmony when he smiled, that was strange….

…what was it


Ryuunosuke shook his head to rid himself of that intrusive thought.

‘Haha, what are you talking about Danna? You need more self esteem really. Trust me, because you also know the language, people will especially start to love you.’

‘Again, you have no need to compliment a servant like me’

Gilles always spoke politely with all the ‘Keigo’. He treated Ryuunosuke with an elaborate respect that made him uncomfortable. It was starting to get annoying. Japanese people stereotypically downplay their compliments, but Ryuunosuke wasn’t like that. He was getting impatient.

He stopped in his tracks. His playful self disappeared in an instant.

‘Just take the compliment, seriously.’

Gilles turned around with a bemused expression. Ryuunosuke was angry for the first time.

‘Stop using Keigo all the time it’s seriously pissing me off’

A stake appeared to be driven between them.

‘Ryuunosuke, forgive m-’

‘Just cut it out…’

He took another step backwards in the snow. Gilles could see the pain etched into his face.

‘I got to go get ready for work’ he said as turned around and walked back towards the train station. His small feet crunching into the icy snow as he walked.


That night Gilles sat in the apartment and did nothing. He stared at the shadows on the floor as it faded into sunset and then night-time. He had upset his master and felt horrible.

Of course, there is just something wrong with me. I will always be unforgivable.

He fell down onto the futon and hugged a pillow. It smelled like his master. We had been sleeping together for weeks and hadn’t so much as touched. This was just master and servant though, it wasn’t a relationship of deeper significance. Gilles fell into a light sleep. A few more hours lapsed.

Sometime after midnight, the door creaked open and Gilles roused from his sleep.

The lights were still off as Ryuunosuke dropped his bag down and flopped down on a cushion.

Ryuunosuke rummaged through the plastic bags and pulled out a green tea. He gestured at Gilles, who then positioned himself upwards at the table.

‘Gilles, who are you exactly?’

Gilles glanced up. Ryuunosuke refused to make eye contact. Pushing the drink across the table as some sort of peace offering.

‘Well, how do I start… ’

He drank some tea. In the dark apartment he began.

‘The life I lived before I was summoned, I was hardly a good person…”

Gilles continued to fill in the details, gradually Ryuunosuke seemed to be more and more engaged.

‘When I saw her die, something broke in me. God is dead to me. I’m not my previous self anymore, I’ve tainted my hands with innocent blood, unlike the blood of enemies in battle. I’ve hurt so many people… “

His wiry lips trembled as he relieved the memories.

“Sometimes I feel the impulse to maim, to hurt and desecrate, but I do not want to do that anymore. Not in this second life. Yet after everything I’ve experienced and done, it is fair to say I am a broken man. I am truly rotten, that’s why it’s unfortunate that you should end up with such an unpleasant servant such as me, I’m terribly sorry.”

‘Stop talking like that’ Ryuunosuke snapped under his breath.

‘Don’t you get it, you’re MY servant. You are here in this century, this year, this moment because fate bound us’


‘In your past life you learnt your lesson right? You know what it feels like to want a second chance? That’s why you’re a servant. Can’t you see God chose you because of your tragedy?’

Ryuunosuke furthered his brow more and flinched.

‘Danna, you should know that I am not a good person either. I’ve deceived people in order to make a living, I’ve killed people but I want to live a good life now. Above all else, you were summoned because you belong to me. You are wanted and worthy because of that too.’

Ryuunosuke's face softened as he cheered up. Having finally lifted some of the burden in his heart.

‘It’s not a mistake for you to be here, jeez’

Gilles stared awestruck. Was it God’s will for him to be summoned to Ryuunosuke? God had heard him after all?

Gilles hung his head. The clock clicked over to 3am. He clutched the tea bottle with his large hands, then gave a pained smile.

‘I feel loved…’

Ryuunosuke felt a flame surge throughout his body.

‘Knowing that you forgive me is all I need. I don’t need God to. Thank you Master, It feels like the first time I’ve ever been truly heard and felt, after all these years’

Framed in the moonlight streaming into the apartment, Gilles appeared like a painting. He’d been alone for years, and prayed for God to answer why he was suffering. God didn’t answer him despite all his desperate pleas. Ryuunosuke felt his heart palpitating as if absorbing the spiritual energy radiated from Gilles. It was an energy that had danced with madness and knew the depths of human despair. He had the aura of a saint but the demeanour of the devil.

How is he so beautiful.

As if magnetised, Ryuunosuke moved closer to this strange man. He touched Gilles’ hair and stared at his translucent greyish skin as he was held by him for a while. With time Ryuunosuke’s courage returned.

‘Since I haven’t been able to bring girls back here, I’m really pent up’ he whispered.

He kissed Gilles. It was like kissing a corpse at first, mostly drained of colour and energy except he made a soft noise. Ryuunosuke witnessed Gilles face up close, entranced by the way his face flinched under his touch. Mana sparked a wave of electricity across their skin, this was the deepest truest mana that would bind them together. It flushed over their flesh like little pinpricks.


‘You must have known this would happen, we’ve been sleeping in the same bed for weeks’

Ryuunosuke’s hands began to explore Gilles’ body. He shuddered under this touch. Ryuunosuke started pulling up Gilles’ dark frock and exposed marble white skin, which was so enticing he yanked off the rest of the garment to admire his slender physique. He was slender yet not without toned muscles. He traced his finger tips around his stomach as Gilles trembled. He pushed him over onto his back. He flicked his tongue around his nipples as Gilles writhed.

‘Aren’t you embarrassed, letting another man do this to you.’

Ryuunosuke undressed and yanked Gilles boxers off. He felt Gilles squirm under his hands in the darkness. He grabbed his member and the poor man yelped in surprise. Gilles had an animalistic innocence, accentuated by his doe eyes. He was incapable of asserting himself, even if he was far larger and older than Ryuunosuke. Gilles shuddered under his touch.

‘You really gonna let me do this to ya? A little Japanese boy like myself can get you off?’ He said with that same typical jesting smile.

Ryuunosuke’s eyes gleamed with anticipation. He grasped his dick firmly and knew exactly what to do. Only men can understand how to work it, this was only natural. He brought his face close to it, and his tongue flicked out around the head. He then swallowed it up. The big live object in his mouth was exciting. Gilles gasped sharply as Ryuunosuke’s tongue lathered around it. It tasted hot and alive. Gilles trembled with every movement.

The holy grail was weird for pairing up a Japanese boy with a white French guy but, we were perfect for each other, that was undeniable.

It doesn’t matter who you’ve been in the past, all that matters is being here with me now.

It was his first time with a man, but something felt so right. As Ryuunosuke swallowed down as much as he could, Gilles shuddered and muttered some French. Hearing his native language exposed more vulnerability. They inched closer and closer towards a perfect synthesis. As if a perfectly obedient dog, he lay with his soft belly exposed and softly whimpering. Ryuunosuke wanted a tight collar on that muscular neck.

‘I gotta put it in, Gilles’

He positioned himself under Gilles. As he entered Gilles he felt his entire weight fall down on his dick. Gilles shuddered in surprise as Ryuunosuke entered a dimension of ecstasy.

‘Damn, Danna you feel so good’

‘R-Ryuunosuke it hurts a bit, but I’m glad.’

“Will you let me do this to you every night, forever and ever?’

“I-if’ that’s what you desire, master’

Gilles’ submission sent volts of electricity across Ryuunosuke’s skin. Goosebumps of ecstasy for what he held in his hands. Gilles’ ivory skin became flushed red in passion. His claws reached around grabbed at Ryuunosukes body, so hard to the extent his nails dug in and left red indentations.

‘Ah…It’s no good’ he moaned and pulled out.

The thing that had been missing was starting to be found, the side they both had been unwilling to show each other.

‘Please do it like this’ Gilles whispered.

Ryuunosuke moved behind him and extended his arms out from behind Gilles and held him tight. It seemed he liked to hold and be held, but Ryuunosuke’s small arms could barely get a grasp over his large body. It appeared like an innocent hug but Ryuunosuke kept stroking his dick.

“Of course you like it like this” Ryuunosuke said, as he slid his tongue across Gilles’ naked back.

In the dark apartment there was just their heavy breathing and the warm darkness. Gilles muttered and flinched as he got faster.

‘Nobody has ever wanted to be w-with me, nobody has ever touched me like this, you really are such a gracious person Ryuunosuke’

Gilles grabbed Ryuunosuke’s hand and caressed it within his large one, and kissed it as he trembled. Yet another one of Ryuunosukes’ exterior shells began to break down. How long could he continue to pretend he was the tough guy?

Ryuunosuke’s hand stopped and slowly reached upwards until he pushed Gilles face towards him, as they kissed for a moment. That beautiful black hair streaming all over his face.

‘I control you…’


‘I control everything about you…’


‘But…I don’t want it to be like that. Please touch me too.’

Gilles turned to face him. Tentatively he reached out. Ryuunosuke was tiny, soft and lean, his limbs slender. His claw-like fingers grazed up and down his flesh, careful not to scratch him. It was when Gilles’ large hands engulfed his cock that pleasure inflamed him. Gilles jerked him but then pulled him up closer, his fingers keeping a sweet tempo and vigour. Gilles relished being able to cradle Ryuunosukes’ small body, his soft tan skin could almost be torn by his sharp nails, if he treated him too roughly. Gilles kissed him from his lower back all the way up the nape of his neck with a softness that made him tremble.

‘Master you are very cute, I must say’

That voice penetrated his ears to shake him again. He would never get sick of that voice.

‘Ahnn, sorry I might cum, if you call me…master… one more time’

Gilles’ fingernails began to dig in. In this frenzy, his old self began to surge up. He fantasised how beautiful it would be to pierce Ryuunosuke’s skin. Just a bit of that pretty blood.

‘Is it ok if I hurt you a bit, Master?’

Ryuunosukes’ body was supple and weak under his touch. Gilles felt overcome by a raging perverse lust.

I want to violate this cute small thing in my arms.

As Gilles claws scratched further into his stomach, and gripped around his throat, Ryuunosuke laughed in his mania and truly came alive.

“Sshhit…fucking dammit.”

Gilles’ hands masterfully worked, it seemed the rings on them and the sharpness of his claws added to the sensation since suddenly Ryuunosuke gave a sharp cry. Suspended in time, Gilles observed how his small body convulsed in his arms as he came. Pain and pleasure intermingled as his cock seemed slightly marred. Gilles watched with a calm omniscient demeanour, as if he wasn’t taking part in anything. As if his hands worked by themselves.

This was exchanging mana and suddenly they both felt full. Master felt servant and servant felt master. Their energies were revealed, but had yet to completely be finished. Ryuunosuke lay there breathless, but wasn’t finished yet. He grabbed hold of Gilles from behind, he clutched his servant more fervently than ever. Fingers digging into his flesh.

‘Danna you are so cute’

‘Ryuunosuke, what does ‘Danna’ even m-mean–’

‘It means my husband, my master and ah, a lot of things’

‘That makes me so happy Ryuunosuke–’

Ryuunosuke wrangled with the dick mercilessly. Gilles writhed and muttered some French.

‘It’s hard for me to…um’ Gilles whispered. ‘I would much rather serve you’

‘Aw my poor servant is all pent up. Did you cum when you were hanged? I heard death is the final orgasm. ‘

Gilles cringed being reminded of his past life. He was trying to move beyond it. His mind flashed back to the dark chambers of his castle and the sounds of screaming children. He remembered everything horrible he had done in his pursuit of provoking God.

I had wanted God to give me a reason for my suffering and yet…

Lord, I inflicted so much suffering onto others. Jeanne, I am revolting.

What had I done in madness, when I wasn’t in control of my body…

Yes, I came when I was hanged.

As the repressed memory pierced him, Gilles gave a lamentful shriek whilst trembling in pleasure. Suddenly Ryuunosuke stopped, since Gilles was crying. Even he couldn’t make fun of this.

‘That’s ok you’ve been through a lot. Jeez I wasn’t trying to be mean.’

Gilles curled inwards towards Ryuunosuke and sobbed. Grabbing his small partner towards him.

‘You can keep going, I just….’

Ryuunosuke’s soft hands continued to work. It escalated and Gilles clutched Ryuunosuke’s head into his chest. Why was it so sacred, only showing this side to Ryuunosuke? He hadn’t ever shown it to Jeanne. He had never even touched her. He had idolised her as a holy maiden, something beyond him and remained virginal by her side.

Ryuunosuke was far from holy.

‘Danna. You belong completely to me. ’

Here in his new life, he was starting to feel the agony of his past life fading away. It was ok to corrupt and to be corrupted. It was ok to be touched, penetrated and steeped in sin. His back arched as Ryuunosuke played with every nook of his body. He had deprived himself from touch, from lust, for so long, but it was surely boiling up right now and could not be repressed forever.

‘? ’

Ryuunosuke’s fingers played and probed and Gilles was at his limit. He hunched over him and bit down into his shoulder, leaving a red bite mark.

‘No, I don’t want to cum yet, I just want to be like this forever’ Gilles moaned.

“Sorry Danna, it’s my turn to make you cum super hard, okie dokie?”

Ryuunosuke’s hands clawing at Gilles neck almost made him give in, until his hand covered his mouth. His eyes were dazed and bleary, whilst Ryuunosuke’s sharp black eyes burned into him. With his arms grasping all around him, Ryuunosuke’s sultry voice in his ear was the last straw.

Am I showing this to Ryuunosuke…am I…

‘As your master, I command you to cum. Go on. Let the neighbours hear it, ’

Gilles screamed mournfully. A sad orgasmic shriek like which Ryuunosuke had never heard. He shot his thick cum against the nearby wall. Ryuunosuke’s hand vice gripped his dick as if squeezing the semen out of it. With tearful eyes, Gilles muttered something in his native language and twitched in ecstasy. He expressed a lamentful pent up sadness of many years. He had shown this to Ryuunosuke, and began to make quivering sobs.

A breathless post-orgasm silence ensued.

‘Dammit your crying is just making me hard again, you’re crying because its good right?’ He said with a smile and shoved his face close to Gilles.

Gilles large dick throbbed as he trembled under Ryuunosuke’s slender fingers. Ryuunosuke played with the soft head and relished the cum dripping from it. He reached out and touched the cum on the wall and wiped it against Gilles’ lips.

‘It’s nice and warm isn’t it. This is proof you’re alive.’

Gilles was shivering under his touch, he reached out and grabbed Ryuunosuke.

“Mea culpa..”

“What are you on about?”

“Forgive me, I will always be full of sin”

Ryuunosuke grabbed Gilles’ head, tousled his soft black hair and kissed him.

“This 20th century life is all about sin, silly. Now, never ask for forgiveness ever again. That’s a command.”

He pointed to his command seal, beaming like his carefree self.

‘You are cruel Ryuunosuke, but ok, I won’t”

As Gilles collapsed onto the futon, Ryuunosuke opened up a pack of dried squid he had bought earlier and began eating them.

‘Yeah the neighbours definitely heard that.’

The End