Growing out of things

2021-11-30 17:54:25

I have grown out of things this year.

Far too much has happened to me this year. The bizarre Bipolar mania from May-August it isn't what I want to talk about today, but instead the way I have grown out of certain things.

For starters, I left Twitter after emerging from mania. The platform wasn't good for me for years, and actually impossibly toxic and I couldn't loathe the whiny scumbags I was following. Why was twitter so unbearably bad for me? Well, I guess I'm immature too, and easily overwhelmed with the internet art scene, which is as vast as the ocean, of course its easy to be overwhelmed.

I grew out of Twitter in a way I didn't expect. I had struggled leaving it in the past, saying "I'll only check a few minutes" but the habit soon escalated back into good old addiction. This time? I decided that I'll never fit in and find "my crew" there, so why bother. I was sick of seeing everyone else's chummy interactions but struggling with life due to my Bipolar. In the end, it was smartest to cut it out at the source. I do not miss it.

from a Berserk visual novel I'm um trying to make

Next up is anime. Now, I know what you're thinking, that's a bunch of sparkly anime art right there. Well, Berserk resurfaced in my life like a blazing fireball at the end of May, and is the only 'anime' property I defend and cherish, for the manga that is. What I mean is I feel like I have grown out of shipping, especially my old OTP.

I find my sexual fanfictions from earlier this year fairly cringe, which makes me glad that this isn't under my real name. I'm not turning to drawing my old Fate/Zero OTP as much as I used to, but it does come in waves. Overall, I feel really cringe now about relying on those characters to 'get the juices flowing' or whatever, ew that sounds nasty. :P Guess my aging brain just can't suspend disbelief enough on badly written Type Moon characters, who aren't even as cute as the fanworks I've seen.

I also have found that the Eroguro aesthetic of art and music that had so enthralled me in the past, now seems vulgar and childish. Maybe this is due to my year sounding like a DJ TECHNORCH banger, and I don't need to hear such abrasive JCore anymore. One word sums up such unique sounds of destruction and pain, nihilistic, my least favorite philosophy. With age I realise certain media is too extreme and nihilistic for me and my Berserk loving soul.

Animation and art culture. Speaking of twitter, I've found myself needing space from all aspects of animation and art culture. Since my accident with psychosis mid last year, I mysteriously (supernaturally?) lost my ability to draw as well as I used to. The incident caused immense emotional anguish for months, and still sears into my soul. However, I've made a push towards just distancing myself from the world I used to call home.

Yes, animation industry is chock full of people I know on platforms like Facebook, that's why I don't check it anymore. Because it is so painful it exactly the reason I've had to be mature and block it out.

It is like being excluded from something that used to be so familiar to you. It feels like a compulsion, "I hope so and so doesn't think my art is shit" being a common worry that pops into my crazily crowded brain.

At the end of the day, I can't stop what people think about me. Whether I've become more focused on writing, or am studying something unrelated to art in 2022, shouldn't make me any less of an awesome person.

Of course, people will unfollow, people will judge, people will bug me eventually asking where my new animations are. Well, life changes people. Get used to it. I deserve to feel loved and strong for what has happened to me, instead of inferior.

Last but not least, the thing I grew out of most was my atheism.

This one is really big, because what has happened to change me out of being an atheist has been mind bending. In short, during my Bipolar mania I believe I experienced the supernatural. My experience extends beyond the symptoms of mania and into the unknown, with feeling bodily manipulation guiding me where to go. It guided me the entire time I had ran away from home and has decided to stick with me over the months.

I don't quite know what it is. I have wracked my brain attempting to understand it and I sound insane when I discuss it. My spirituality is different from most peoples horoscope beliefs, that's for sure. Whatever it is, it is a guiding force that is the epitome of good. I wonder if my pain in psychosis is due to this bugger, but I try to give it the benefit of the doubt.

What does it mean to be spiritual, when its called Bipolar? Well as I said I experienced symptoms that have nothing to do with the list of mania. It is frightening to people to hear that I believe I've experienced some sort of 'God', and I understand. There are things I can't even type here anymore because nobody believes it. I feel an immense sense of destiny and hope, that is getting me through recent dark depressions where I feel useless. That simple sense of destiny, plus proof of a world beyond my realm of understanding, is spirituality to me.

That's it, that's some of the things I've grown out of this year.

On the other hand, there are things I'm growing into. Books are again becoming a bigger part of my life, well, than they have been in recent years. I am ashamed to admit I am not as much of an avid reader as I should be to be a writer, but I just enjoyed writing soooooo much.

My reason for growing into books is, they are inherently less vain than other mediums. Far away from the glitzy showoffy nature of arts communities, when I'm reading and writing I feel like I'm healing and at home. I hope I can train my Twitter-born-and-bred brain to take in more words at a time.

Anyways, nobody reads these blog posts, I just wanted to get it off my chest. Over and out!