I am a soul in the forsaken algorithm. Lost between different layers of digital reality.
Because I don't think there are 47.32532 genders and sexualities.
Because I am abrasive and obnoxious with most things I say.
Because I have talked about my anguish with mental illness.
Ever since I made new accounts and stopped using my full name, I've obtained freedom at the cost of many people engaging with my work. It was because I needed freedom from the expectations of art my old-self had created. The thing is she is coming back. What was missing was more than happiness, it was a big chunk of my soul.
Lets not talk about forsaken algorithm. I found out the real algorithm path of life. It is the ikigai algorithm.
Yet, I set out and searched for it. I tried DDR, Japanese, writing and now finally, python programming in Ren'Py.
Yes out of all of those programming sounds like the hardest doesn't it? Well I am familiar with very basic coding ideas and this Ren'Py engine makes visual novels easy, as it requires less code and more text to start.
I my soul feels like its transformed from a shrivelled stamped-on caterpillar into a glorious butterfly flying off to new places. I am finding new beauty in the art I am doing now. It is a new ikigai. It is awesome.
How do I know its ikigai? I've hardly eaten in the last 4 days and can't even peel myself from the computer. When I wrote my most recent fanfiction I also got into that blessed zone. It is a zone I used to only get into with visual art and it's awesome I'm finding it through typing now.
I have done the Global Game jam 3 times before but was forced to give up projects because I wasn't the programmer. I relied on others. It was awesome to be in the zone doing art and submitting it through github, but it wasn't completely my own.
So, all this whining has been because I lacked ikigai?
Yeah basically. I have been preoccupied in my mind with painful thoughts, because I wasn't immersed in something else.
Somehow, I have been feeling so whole lately.
My mind is buzzing with concepts, ideas, joys and a future.
A future? For me? The post-psychotic bipolar who was crying in a mental ward a few months ago? It's a drastic change, to be suffering mentally then suddenly throwing yourself into a project and feeling overjoyed. I am volatile, I know.
Since struggling with art I couldn't find anything that spoke to me. A medium I could really just lose myself in since my accident.
I'm afraid I'll start something that makes me feel whole but it will never be a lasting comfort. It will fade and horrible mental pain I feel might come back.
Yet I jumped out of bed this morning. I raced over to my computer, eager to try and add some new pieces of code and to just experiment with the world and story of this game. Just to make the characters feel fun. Just to make me smile.
This ikigai algorithm needs all your senses firing at once with all your skills brought to fruition.
For a visual novel it isn't just code. Its character, humor, drama and suitable visuals. It requires me to think with both logical and artsy hats at once. Things like art and writing do that to, but this does remind me a lot of the game jam feeling I crave.
I crave the game jam feeling not because of the urgency having a deadline, but because of the endless flow of dragging, copying, searching, editing, checking, pasting, testing, typing, editing, groaning and laughing. It challenges my curiosity to learn something new, to create unique systems that work for my story.
The algorithm also requires you to be so in love with your vision, your big warm bubble, that what the outside world thinks doesn't matter one bit. This has been hard. Of course it's nice to have someone say your work is cool, but what if you are one of the lost forgotten algorithms? Some where betwixt shadowban and social ostracization.
Edited this post since people seem to unfollow me en masses just for truth bombing. If I want people to like me, if I want people to play my visual novel, I better work harder to bite my tongue. I am not good at hiding my beleifs. That is what sucks. I don't like society's labels to define gender and sexuality.
The only labels I want to see are in my programming.
I know it is slow and steady wins the race. I know everyone has barked at me that coding is specific, It isn't sloppy. So, I can't be that? I am doing it all by myself. I am creating my own story, with my own code, art, music choices, aesthetic, tone and characters.
This game is outlet for my happiness, nostalgia, fears and pains. Check it out on itchi.o and save the page for later! Lets remember, float above all the pettiness on a cloud along the ikigai algorithm.