getting through the hard days

2022-06-23 12:15:56

The hardest things in life for me is dealing with a supernatural entity that continues to bug me. The second most stress is that other people wont believe me on this matter and I just sound insane. The third most annoying is agony over losing my art skills two years ago, which leads to daily anguish over my work produced not being good enough.

I definitely am channelling my personal experiences into my newest project, Obnoxy.

Despite my need to whine, I have a voice I stupidly dub 'the Femto', because I found it when I was recording this video. It is a sinister and stern alternate voice that is summoned when I need to express the fact I know what I've felt is true, not a hallucination or delusion. I know what I've felt is real, I know my torment is real at least. I will not be told the things I've experienced are simply Bipolar or Psychosis.

This video below shows the start off my descent past madness. Wayyyyyy past madness, breaking through the boundaries between realities, to a place where everything makes sense.

May have uploaded this in past, don't care. It's worth it.

I hope people understand I was severely in pain and had a sensation of dying at the time of recording that video above. It wasn't acting.

'The Femto' is not a spit personality (or whatever other garbage people are insistent is what I am experiencing) but instead a part of me that is summoned when I accept, I do not know how to cry genuinely anymore! I am so beyond misery because I've experienced cosmic beings. 'They' seem to like what I've determined to be 'ass titty bum #$%@". How am I supposed to cry about that? Despite how weird it is, eyes like Femto, cannot cry. Well, up until that final bomb of a page.

I turn to Berserk because I've felt those characters trauma within me, something has told me it's important, so that is why I stick with it. Not because it's well drawn. Well, I have a complex relationship with 'art', having lost most of mine, and producing anywhere near the level or amount I used to, is completely out of the question.

I am lost in the memories of childhood often. Of remembering how my life stretched out in front of me and every day was a joy. What happened to me to deserve psychosis, to deserve destructively cheeky supernatural beings to mess with me? I try to put it into fictional, but it doesn't offer catharsis much to my distress.

I cant do good art most days. it is fickle

Therefore I am trapped. I feel like crying whenever I think of my predicament, but my Femto eyes cannot. The mental anguish my mind is going through at most times of the day becomes so overwhelming I don't think other people can imagine. So how do I get through the hard days, I have to do one or two things....

Laugh and be Pinkie Pie.

And Guts.

At the same time somehow, be Puck I guess. It just made my right eye wink, as if anyone would believe that.

You think Pinkie Pie is the scraggly non-value that isn't as chivalrous as other 4, but in fact, laughter does matter. Laughter helps you conquer the unknown. I have felt the essence of Pinkie Pie along my journey, beckoning me to laugh even when things were frightening beyond belief. It is simply that, to be a court jester, a timeless storyteller, a weaver of fantasies, to prance and rejoice in the face of fear. I have the impression this thing I'm dealing with likes to frighten and send me on dark quests, but overall, cares about me. (Nah it just shook my head, it doesn't like me one bit ;) )

I've had to laugh.

I've had to laugh at the fact all this possessed head shaking and nodding could look like an autism 'stim'. I laughed so hard because I realised I am autistic super weapon, that will never be captured and tortured, because of the guise of mania and autism. Oops I have said too much. But in all seriousness, you can see how autism acts as a coverup for more supernatural behaviour. Yes I am that far into weirdie territory.

It doesn't want me to talk about it. Someone will find this blogpost and go, what the heck is she on about. I've tried to explain, I've tried to be honest. IT doesn't matter, I'm fated to be alone deadtdddddddead dadadaedddessasddth dada the best art form easy things come to those who wait easy means good in my language easyeasyeasy your language? easy easy easy easy ????