I wanted to share some majestic photos from our Kangaroo Island property we are currently visiting. We try and keep the location a secret, but still get the odd few tourists coming through with their SUVs on the beach anyways. :|
This landscape is special to me. I've spent hours roaming the groves and gullies, looking at sheep skeletons and barbed wire. Maybe it's boring to some, but it has much potential for storytelling. It's exactly that that has inspired my recent project.
I started a visual novel called "Obnoxy". It is hard to sum up interestingly other than it is about some of my experiences while I was 'manic', and my perceptions of feeling a ghost about me. It is my outlet for dealing with complex feelings
So I have published the first part of Rubble and Rust, and am mousy about sharing the second part, mainly because I received some weird feedback with the first one that's pissed me the fuck off and made me unwilling to bother 'sharing' my work anyways.
I wanted to vent a bit about my woes with making a visual novel, heck, with making any storytelling thing. So it starts with a surge of inspiration. A cute or surreal moment you want to capture visually and with text. It's gonna be awesome! You proudly think to yourself and busy yourself with creating walls of Ren'Py text.
You slug away at it for days which turn into weeks, then months. Every waking moment you have free time, is spent thinking about your story, trying to hone it into a strong nugget, trying your best and all the while wearing your heart on your sleeve. Eventually you reach the year mark, do you have a whole years worth of solid content to show?
Is it good enough? Will it ever be good enough? Is it simply pathetic scrawl that will never touch the heart of anyone? Such is how I ended up feeling about Rubble and Rust. It is something alright, but whether it gets to any specific nugget of goodness is dubious.
I still love Rubble and Rust, I love the rural atmosphere I created and the charming character moments. It looses it's focus all over the place, and falls into stereotyping's for psychotic people in part 2, although I simply did what I did because I wanted it to be exciting.
I am less time conscious. Time simply flows, there is no shame in sitting on some project. In fact, I feel like it's everyone else who has the warped view on things. :|
I'm not insulting my projects (since they are in multiple parts). Above all else, I loved creating it. So it's mine to share whenever I feel like it. whether it's spontaneous like I shared the first part, or whether I sit on it more months, who knows.
With Obnoxy, I am focusing on lived experience...scratch that.... the boundaries between normalcy and fantasy, as the main girl Olive is plagued every day by an obnoxious titular spirit.
In case it isn't obvious, I don't want feedback. I can barely check messages and DMs without my heart up in the gullet, therefore I don't. I don't put myself out there to be ripped into, to be told my art sucks and writing is amateurish. Because my character Olive's experience is my experience with the unknown. She could handle a God making her see apparitions in the clouds, but doesn't deserve cruel people telling her she should give up other aspects of her life.
She is enduring more than anyone can possibly imagine.
As you can see this is my outlet for insanity, for trespassing over into the realm of un-believing. Things are more complex than they seem, and much more fantastical than most people are willing to admit. No drugs, horoscopes and gemstones involved.
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Olive is a mentally strong character. She represents the best strength in me, the part of me that wont break even if the fabric of reality begins to shift around her. There are things our mortal minds can't begin to process, and Olive has to endure such chaos that nobody else has ever endured.
Back to the subject of visual novels...eventually after much tender personal storytelling, you decide to share your project. Not many people bother to play it, even less buy it. It was as expected right? I am not a popular artist by any means and do not have anyone interested in my work to begin with.
I am not like the disgusting sparkle artists of Instagram, with hoards of chattering gremlin slaves to praise every fart. So why bother? Why embarrass yourself sharing promos, talk about your characters or god forbid, ask musicians for music?
Well, simply because I enjoyed it. I cherished the feeling of making a visual and narrative thing. To quickly conceptualise a moment with a photograph and some character art. The spontaneous joy of making it basically.
Life has stripped so much from me. My pride, my art skills, my sanity, but at the end of the day, I still have my love. My love of creating and expressing, even if it's just for my sake.
Like Olive I endure absolute madness, things that normal people will never comprehend but still, I do my best to fight off the nagging demons. Much like Guts, fighting a fate he cannot escape still, he fights. Miura's storytelling has inspired me beyond words but from here on out, I need to craft my own stories of strength. I make these stories for myself, if other people want to click-along, thank you.
There's a beautiful full moon out. I wonder what mysteries it has in store for me tonight. :)
Oh, and play the second part of my game if ya wanna.