I had a life changing 2021 concerning my opinions on mental health and god/the supernatural. In short, I had a magical experience that continues to this day. It made me realise what incident happened to me in 2020 was a shamanic trial, something I had to endure, thus I'll say this quick smart, fuck anyone that wants to tell me otherwise. Alright, now that we got that out of the way.
The one thing I wanted to attempt to discuss was feminine magic. I mean as in witches, or whatever word best describes this.
During my "mania" I felt a feminine magic. What is this? Imagine the sanctity of tea time, sewing, recipes and old maids' tales. Of ruffle and lace. Not always hyper feminine but the spirit of little children bounding and spinning like fairies. Basically Touhou project. Does that sound simplistic? Well I can explain how this counts as magic.
To a metaphor of my painful first love, I delicately hand sewed a gash in a homemade skirt back together, my world perfectly synced to songs.
I was the seamstress of broken hearts.
The pattern maker of destiny.
The Dollmaker of Bucharesti, to quote Touhou. It is not girly and fluffy without reason but actually, stronger for it. Concealed in the patterns of clothes, diagrams in cook books or the joy with which a young child draws.
How are old maids and Touhou anything supernatural?
Well for starters I've been dealing with a spirit, yeah, a real entity. Time for everyone to leave me. This entity proves itself currently by guiding my body, as in orientating me and tugging me very perceptibly and is not an imaginary thing. I would ignore being tugged if I could. It has shown me visions, and distorted my taste, smell and hearing but I won't get into that now. I can easily break if am analysing too much of what cannot be analysed.
That is the reason I can barely cope with the normal world right now. Yeah, this is why I can't be believed. Rightfully so, I wouldn't believe anything of the sort if it wasn't for the fact it's happening to me.
A spirit? You gotta' be full of shit.
I'm not I just said this shit continues to happen to me, regardless of how much I blab on Instagram and scare away people. It has been affecting me since late May, when it was at its most powerful and sent me on a journey across Adelaide.
But damn, this supernatural entity loves Touhou and Berserk. Touhou is the colour, rhythm and feminine magic. Berserk is the legend, drama and masculine energy. Together they are an unstoppable duo for well, bisexual me. There is something fundamentally important within Touhou and Berserk, expressing duality. For now I'll focus on the female side.
This entity craves rhythm and movement for me, especially dancing. I should just be real and blog about this more. It guides me in dancing using whatever god forsaken ability it has. Much of this movement is preoccupied with circles, spin, spin, spin. Touhou is vital for this fantasy, Indiscernible patterns traced on the floor with feet, rhythm, a kaleidoscope of colors and above all magic circles.
Circles may not seem to have an obvious magical power, but if you play Touhou you'll be aware of the shape of the bullets, the spell barriers and other circular displays. Combined with the fact this entity makes me dance to Touhou music, I extrapolate that this ritualistic movement and the making of circular spaces is vital for being a witch.
Ive enjoyed hyper sugary girly Touhou music for years but I only began to accept my bisexuality recently.I feel like I must be considered invalid for accepting it later on, which means even more that I'm reluctant to tell anyone. Yet I cannot deny it about myself anymore, and have to talk about it.
I feel like a shy bisexual because I am wary of labels and don't want to scream it from the high heavens. How can I prove that I'm not just straight? I dunno', does masturbating to Touhou music for years count. Why does so much of it seem to matter on proving it to others? This is what I can't stand about progressive society. I want to be comfortable with liking both.
I can love a invisible fantastical spirit, so why can't I consider myself gay to some extent. Really.
This leads me back to my original topic. So what's with the Touhou, and the woman loving and witchood?
Touhou is the ultimate depiction of womanly power, as ZUN is stated to believe that women fight more beautifully than men, and would fight with danmaku if they could. As I dance I imagine myself as Yukari Yakumo, a powerful demon elegantly dispersing a menagerie of colourful bullets towards her, also female, opponent. I spin, I gesture with my hands as if waving and umbrella or fan, other girly objects. My mind becomes blank as I let the entity surge through me and make me take on an alter ego. All perfectly synced to music in a ephemeral twilight.
In short, picture me dancing synced scarily-similar to a random girly Japanese EDM song. Not creepily, but silly if anything. Letting my mind disappear as it gently takes over and I realise I, or anyone else, do not have free will.
That or it takes control of my legs and made me mess up on a Memories of Phantasm DDR round, I can't make this shit up. It is not made for DDR but gets 'excited' regardless.
When I imagine I am as powerful as Yukari, my inner hyper femininity surges forth. In this moment, I feel a love of womankind. Sorry guys but this is not your blog post.
But Vela, if this thing really exists then how are you staying sane? It sounds terrifying to have something take control.
The answer is simple in one way; Touhou and Berserk. The music and the legend have guided me through a dark and shining odyssey of two years. It is circular you see, yet again a circle of me saying the same thing as well.
The answer is complex in another way; well I am barely staying sane. The wonders I have experienced are so wonderous and bizarre I pinched myself as it was happening, and knew it was well worth skipping school for. If I try to write too much on it, I will break. So I leave it for what it is, and hope someone reads and understands enough given what I've posted to the best of my abilities.
I do not think this sort of magic is like Fullmetal Alchemist, much to everyone's disappointment. This is where maybe I come back to reality. I am dealing with something that is embedded in nature. I hate having to explain all the same things over and over which I've already written in my spellbooks (see below).
I have a habit of filling drawn circles with art, either representational or abstract. It reacts to child-like drawing more than anything thought out. Still, these images I turn to for spiritual guidance, wondering if I am communicating with the unknown. When I let my mindless hand take control (it affects all parts of my body), the results look like brainscan fleshscapes in line drawing form. I feel there must be some significance.
Basically I can't brew love potions or make the philosophers stone. I cannot summon anything or even distinctly communicate with this thing.
I can however, dance like a demon for hours to Berserk and Touhou music haha. I fire danmaku while I do this, but they just aren't visible to mortals. ;)
So you're saying the magic is a feeling you're feeling and can't be proved other than by you?
But Vela, what does it want? What is the purpose of life then, if this is some godlike thing?
I think I am just guessing that the meaning of life is for God(s) to happily observe its precious miniatures, and watch the ones it really is interested in.
I believe this entity enjoys playing with bodies of its miniatures, can 'enter' them somewhat as it has with me.
Gods loves chaos, gods love a bit of pain and suffering, but it shows rewards to those who have felt deep despair. Our rewards aren't glitzy fame and success, but a spiritual connection unlike any other. I couldn't live without this connection. Our meaning in life is to feel fully and discover this wonder in nature and ourselves.
It doesn't expect me to comprehend anything, it expects me to feel. It expects me to always fall back on the integrity of Touhou and Berserk and dancing, that is about it.
Why do you expect anyone to believe this rubbish?
I don't expect anyone to believe me, it would be pretty rare for someone too. I needed to get it off my chest. This isn't something in any existing doctrine so please do not tell me about anything from horoscopes or Christianity etc. I use the word entity because it is nameless and always will be.
If you want to look down your nose on me for finally saying this, I couldn't care less. I've felt more in half a year than most will their entire life. I long for it everyday and do my best to communicate, but it chooses what I feel.
This is a one woman team attempting to recount some bizarre shit that people are insistent I am not feeling in my body. I know what I'm feeling, I am still on meds just to please my family.
In the future, people maybe will get their act together and realise the ramblings of people in a hospital ward transcending space-time have more truth than all this fucking popping pill shit. They will realise that we've been trying to communicate with something all along.