Sometimes I don't need company. I work, draw, watch and play without any nagging loneliness.
Other days, I need company a lot. I am not lonely now, but am writing this in preparation for lonelier days.
R18 for sex talk.
I have had some incidents annoy me lately, not only the fact that I though I made this post public, WordPress APP overided it and made it private again nice.
First was some losers attacking me for an innocuous comment on an nihilist Instagram meme. I kept getting notifications until I decided to not only turn off any notifications on comments, but also made my account private. I also experienced a nice person calling my adult art 'repressed', although they do have a point. I just wish they knew words better.
One of the bad Instagram replies gave up on trying to discuss nihilism and instead attacked me for my 'unrealistic standards' in men. Such a super sleuth to see my public art Instagram and find something to attack me on, bravo good sir.
Both of these daily discomforts force me to try and control my unease, my frustration and my rage. I instead went for a long walk to where I play DDR and danced until my hair and clothes were drenched in sweat. Then by the time I was ready to look at my phone again, I felt like my spirit was so on fire with the goodness of fitness that nothing on the stupid screen could stress me out.
I couldn't care what some disgusting fat bearded nihilist wants to say about me. Not just did they rip on my fanart, they said I don't know what true nihilism is and called me a coward. Yeah, I don't. I went private and turned off notifications, goodbye assholes.
If anyone wanted to attack me, there is a wealth of intimate material on this Wordpress alone? Funny, they aren't trying to dig for jabs on me here. Oh, It's because they realise I lose nothing by talking about my strength in loneliness and darkness. I am not ashamed of my strength to talk about it. They retreat into their slinky sleazy burrow of a private account. They better. This is my domain.
It got some new clothes this Easter Sunday. I hadn't done DDR in awhile and it feels amazing the less often I do it. By doing it rarely, I wont get so frustrated by treating it seriously. I am not that interested in abusing myself, since people on the internet can do that for me.
As for the well-intentioned person who made me feel bad by sensing the 'repression' in my art well, I guess I am conveying something vivid.
I have been mocked for some kind of slow burn ero-guro love. Just because mainstream porn material is same-faced sloppy-schoolgirl-seconds doesn't make it erotic to everyone.
My sexuality is melancholy. My sex is yearning for years alone. My sex is painful shyness and a shame that begs and cries. It is sadomasochism just in my mind. It is repressed, because without tension how can we find true release. That is my eroticism.
If you stop reading from here, your quiz score is (80). Check the bottom of the post for results.
I am sick of being emotionally toyed with or told I am faulty for what makes me ME. I don't have a mum to cry to anymore. I crave emotional understanding, something more than watching Netflix together.
I understand why this person called my NSFW work 'repressed'. In order to better explain what I am going for I shall discuss why I draw the sexual artwork I do.
Firstly there is the sad submissiveness. Characters that maybe have been alone a long time speak to me. They are beautiful in not really giving a shit, the complete opposite of men I saw on dating apps whining they were alone two years. However these archetypes present a fear worrying that maybe in their lack of experience, that they aren't enough for their partner, and may be a bit hopeless at knowing what to do. To describe my OTPs relationship, Caster's anxiety to be enough for his master continues in the sheets.
The other archetype dynamic in my mind is the sadistic one. Ryuunosuke is canonically sadistic and playful and he tends to be the alpha. Coy, smug and teasing, the perfect balance to a more bashful partner. The reason why he is important is he thrives on the submissiveness, whispering in his victims ear while vigorously getting them off. Even imagining the way he would speak in this comic does things for me. Softly, softer. C'mon now, hushed warmth enters your ear.
If you stop reading from here, your score is (60)
As you can see from the fact the glorious comic above even exists, I'm not alone. In everyday situations I encounter, sometimes the insecurity is stirred up that I am perhaps not worthy, both romantically and sexually competent. In drawing characters enduring this I make it into a turn on. I am less hurt by insecurities that churn up my guts on a weekly basis.
Maybe the emotional repression in my work (and more importantly the work of artists I love) is explored with violence. The bloody scrapes are the tell-tale marks of eroguro, they are a symbol of needing to feel pain to escape from this sexual shame, I discussed this in my old post. They resort to a warped self harm not always depicted explicitly but the concept is something we relish thinking about. Even in the image I've featured, it is in the pointed tentacles coiling around limbs, prodding into nooks, grazing the flesh with acerbic sparks of pains on the thighs and chest...well I've said too much.
Repression implies refrain, or something not addressed that should be. A word with a similar meaning is to abstain. There is an unpleasant jealousy I get when I imagine other people in my life having a great relationship. I feel anger, I burn up. I am mad because I am touching myself, how horrible. It is an abusive cycle. All these years people ask me why I'm mean to myself, well whatever makes us cum the hardest. I guess this is my repression then, I don't know why else I inflict such self loathing onto me.
At my core however, lies a curled up wish of just having my hair stroked and nothing more.
Being single doesn't mean you don't know what you want. It doesn't make you unworthy of love, although I struggle with this. People like to have a jab as if being single makes you incompetent or undesirable, like I'm sure the Instagram parasites would like to attack me as.
........Ooooo boy. Lets talk more about men and their anger at my 'unrealistic standards'.
It is a pastime of weak men to attack women. It is a fact.
If you stop reading from here, your score is (40)
We are delusional for finding our own unique standards for what we think is attractive. Often this doesn't involve beards, interestingly enough hmm. Being obsessed with pretty characters is more commonly accepted for men with their waifus. These beta males all glom together, sharing hentai and normalising an obsession over sparkly subservient possessions that can't talk back to them. Cardboard cut-outs in the vague shape of a real woman.
I love great characters. If I didn't, I would have settled for the cute pretty boys in some other anime/gacha/manga series. I may be autistical in that I am reluctant to even try to care about new characters. Caster x Ryuunosuke echoes in my soul and warms me, why bother with other empty anime shells? The rarity of CasRyu shippers makes the small active community divine.
No matter how this person intended to attack me, I do try my best to draw them like real men. Ryuunosuke is petit, like east Asian and especially Japanese boys often are, trust me I know. It is where the stylisations of anime characters come from, they just are damn skinny. In my personal experience, although I try to forget, east Asian boys are slender as it is their average body type, not the result of malnourishment. Sleek like an otter, that is different than bony. Not only is it genetics, it's because their society don't fucking binge eat like Western ones do.
Gilles' body is interpreted under his robes to be anywhere on the range of slender to quite muscular, according to Fate/Grand Order visuals. All we get is mostly Caster Gilles' strong arms peeking out from under his robes in FGO art. He dwarfs Ryuunosuke in size but that is precisely why I love him. Ryuunosuke and Gilles both just are what I like. Lean is attractive. This is not body shaming. I will never be attracted to someone who abstains from exercise and food, because it isn't an attractive lifestyle to me.
Maybe I insulted this guy because I don't draw body hair nor make them pudgy? Whatever, stop giving girls massive tids and calling it the standard female form then.
If you stop reading from here, your score is (20)
A funny divergence is I encountered someone with this same eye condition yesterday. Although it is unusual in not knowing how to stare back, how beautiful is it to have any fictional character as good as Gilles, with such a specific physical trait? Even if he was drawn as a wacky stereotype of an evil wizard, the bowed eyes can be a genuine condition.
Japanese character designers really do care about representing unique physical appearances that give their characters a soul.
That was sarcasm.
Soooo, these two are exciting in being both a mixed race couple and unrealistically gay. Gilles speaks fluent Japanese and assimilates his mannerisms into a Japanese 'honorific' way, although appearance-wise he will never fit in. A pocket westerner that can evaporate into a sentient voice and follow their master? The servant can enjoy Japan without the very real social anxiety of being white in Japan? And during those long lonely Tokyo nights, the masters' command will make them materialise in the bedroom? Sign me up. It is more than just these two characters. That is the eroticism I have extracted from Fate, while the majority of the series is mostly alienating to me. This Fate-seeking chemistry resulted in a bad bedroom experience, but it was worth it while it lasted.
Apparently these feelings have a word in Japanese. 'akogare' is something they experience.
A fujoshis' pleasure is a pleasure of watching male pleasure. It is hard for me to look at porn with women because I just don't want some stupid hoe in it. It is not rocket science.
Dear nihilists, fantasies offer happiness. They offer a warmth that real men aren't giving me. It offers titillation of voyeurism, don't pretend you don't have those thoughts. Fantasy is a valid way for some of us to spend our days on this planet before we disappear and all that is left is some rants on a blog. That too will eventually expire and return to the sands of cyber space.
I think a roll of toilet paper has more uses than Nihilism in my life. It is a philosophy of weak and chronically depressed people who must loathe their body, spirit and thus existence.
I experienced an existential dread of not knowing how to discard pain and love myself. It's hard, being a perfectionist, feeling this unreasonable anger at myself for being imperfect. It leads to the repression showing up in pictures of slithering tentacles exploring the male form.
That is ok. This cruelty is also what makes us beautiful. That makes me just draw more perverted shit. It makes me rejoice in my repression and gleefully accept my philosophical ignorance because behold! I am alive! Halleluiah.
Nihilists. Fuck off. Let people enjoy their transient smidgen of happiness and maybe then you too will enjoy gardening, windsurfing and Pilates someday like the rest of us. Let us have our far-away dreams of being held tightly by strong arms all through the night.
I am trying my best not to remember years of people teasing me for being a 'romanticist' for barely being able to swipe through 5 men without crying.
The thing is, I can hardly draw. Psychosis broke me, as I've said a million times. I can't indulge in depicting these fantasies as well as I used to. Can you imagine that pain, even in a slightest? A pain of having no place to hide when life gets too hard. Thus, I stare at images other more competent artists have draw. I swallow down this agony and do my best. Then someone calls my work 'repressed' for trying to depict a subdued eroticism.
Somedays, I wish I was locked up in a ward still, my brain long rotted by psychosis. I would be free from this hell.
Fujoshis aren't attacking you because you don't act like a gay anime boy in bed. When women play with dolls of male characters, it is simply us projecting how tenderly we want to be treated. It shouldn't be that hard to get. Getting your head pat is an extremely intimate act.
Leave them fujoshis alone.
If you read the whole thing through, your quiz results are (0). Hooray, you don't carry toxic feelings about entitlement over what some people are attracted to. You aren't threatened by fujoshis. Good for you.
If you got any score other than (0), go work on yourself